'This lockdown is nothing like the last. I've lost all motivation.'

Motivation. Have you seen her? I could've sworn I caught a glimpse of her, but now it seems she's just kinda... gone? 

Show yourself. Pls. 

If you've been wondering wtf is going on with your feels during this lockdown, I'm with you. Because things are different.

During last year's lockdown, I exercised every day, read books, started to learn how to cook (badly) and had regular Zoom sessions with friends and family - there were virtual baby showers, board games, trivia nights and wine nights. 

Things were s**t, but okay.

Watch: Things you never say in 2021. Post continues after video. 

But this second time around it feels... stale

Instead of trying my hand at baking (lol), getting up early every morning for a sunrise walk (another lol) or making plans for Zoom calls like I did last time, I'm kinda just... being. 

Like so many others, my day in and day out routine is already mapped out. Working from home almost seems robotic. 

I sleep in approximately too late, hover from my bed to my 'office' or 'podcast studio', get up to eat at a random time that's neither breakfast nor lunch, saunter back to my 'office' and end up curled up on my sofa at 5:30pm. I watch an episode or seven of the X-Files, and head to bed. 

Ready to lather rinse and repeat.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Erin Docherty (@erin.docherty)

And as the weeks have turned into months, with at least another month added on top, my motivation to 'do things' or 'achieve something' has never been harder to find.

I've also recently torn my ACL (a ligament in my knee) for the third time, slowly making my whole outlook on exercise pretty bleak. I can't go for a run like I did last lockdown. I can't lift heavy weights. I can't pump out a quick HIIT workout without fearing I'm going to hurt myself more.

I've had two prior reconstructions, and as I now edge my way closer to my third one in a week's time, I've kind of just given up.

Unlike my prior two surgeries, this one is supposed to be a little more hectic - and I've been told I won't be able to walk (even with crutches) for at least a week.

Knowing I'm going to be laying down for weeks to come, mixed with the fact I won't be able to even go outside if I wanted to, feels like this impending doom. 

And while I could soak it all up now and make the most of getting outside and doing at least some form of exercise, I'm finding myself stuck. 

It's just like... what's the point?

Image: Supplied

It's safe to say that the novelty of lockdown I felt this same time last year has very much faded away. It's been replaced with a noticeable feeling of dread and fatigue. (Just in case you've been skimming and haven't noticed).

Back to groundhog routines. Not seeing friends. Family. Back to people giving you the look of shame when you *actually* need that six-pack of toilet paper. 

As getting back to 'normality' seems like something that's drifting further and further away, it honestly seems that it's becoming more and more difficult to know how to create that energy and positivity I once had this time last year. 

Listen to today's episode of Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below. 

Of course, I'm incredibly lucky. There's absolutely no denying that. 

I have a stable job this time around (last year I was made redundant). I can pay rent. My family and I are healthy (apart from the knee thing). I've not been in lockdown five times (hey, Victoria). 

But, it still fkn sucks. I'm tired of trying to be 'good' at lockdown - and I know I'm not alone.

I will not be learning to knit this time around. I will not start a gratitude journal. I won't clean my wardrobe or sort out my skincare cupboard. I'm not doing an intense workout every single day. And I'm definitely not making another fkn loaf of banana bread.

I'm sitting on the sofa, eating Warheads and Whittaker's Coconut Slabs while watching Mulder and Scully be '90s babes. Cause while it's different for everyone, that's what's going to get me through it right now. And that's okay.

Share your thoughts on how you're feeling right now in the comments below.

Feature image: Supplied