When my best friend told me that she and her long term partner were thinking of breaking up I was dumbfounded. They lived together, shared a dog, there had been talk of weddings, she had sent me pictures of engagement rings she liked.
She then told me that the reason that they were thinking about breaking up was because they had been having some really “serious” fights. I assumed that she meant fights about children or moving overseas, but as it turned out, these weren’t those types of arguments.
These were the types of fights where he would punch holes in walls, slam his fists on the table, call her a c–t and a f–k head and scream in her face. She confessed to me that she had previously feared for her safety, that she was tired and that nothing was getting better.
The thing was, even as I expressed surprise, I could actually see him doing those things. I had seen him speak to her in a manner that could politely be described as “completely disrespectful”. He would have tantrums if she corrected him, he would ridicule her in front of people, he would yell at her.
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I so relate to this situation - it is so tough but I believe you are doing the right thing. I eventually realised that getting frustrated and annoyed that she keeps going back to him is only going to damage our friendship, and won't make her "see the light" until she is ready to herself. I am civil to him for her sake but it's difficult to be anything more than that. Praying that someone else amazing comes into her life and makes her see how much better she deserves.
You are doing the right thing, and on behalf of your friend in years to come, I'd say thank you.
As a child of an abusive parent, what I can tell you for sure is that the abuser wants and relies on the isolation of their victim in order for abuse to continue and to worsen, and for their victim to lack any support network to help them flee should they ever be strong enough.
I lived with it for 24 years of my life, with all other family members and friends estranged, until I had safe place to go, someone from the outside of it to help me and tell me "you are not going back" and finally tell me the police would need to be called.
I fit the bill you described - an intelligent, economically mobile woman in a relationship in which she was demeaned and threatened. For the most part, it's illogical - I was made to feel responsible for my parent's well-being, stability and emotions now and into the future. It's pure manipulation, and abusers are masters of it, if nothing else.