About a month ago, I was chatting to an acquaintance whose Instagram following has mysteriously skyrocketed in the last year.

“How did that happen?” I asked her, full of curiosity and about 45 tablespoons of cynicism.

“Oh, you know. I just post really regularly and engage with other people’s content,” she told me like a total liar. “It happened, you know, like, super organically.”

I smelt a rat. A big, fat Instagram rat. After the New York Times reported that a heap of Instagram influencers are fraudulently acquiring their followers, my interest was well and truly piqued: In 2018, can you really become Instagram famous without cheating the system?

Naturally, I decided to find out. On my own account. In 10 days.

Aaaaaaaand here we are.

This is what I, along with my Instagram brainstrust – which consisted of an established beauty influencer, male model, and food blogger – decided was required for this extremely important ‘Make Mich Insta Famous’ experiment:

Le serious content plan for le serious jurnalizm

With a green tick from my manager, a heart filled with regret, and an exceedingly wary boyfriend, I embarked on my mission.

Instagram fame, Here. I. Come.

Day One: Le selfie

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Mar 21, 2018 at 2:58am PDT

A staple of any good Instagram profile, right?

I get home from work and begin applying makeup for absolutely no reason other than to take a photo of my own face. I take a total of 44 selfies.

They're all... not great.

I pick one and upload, before spending the next 90 minutes on the couch, commenting on and liking strangers' posts. My boyfriend looks at my phone with a mixture of befuddlement and sadness. He says "are you really doing this Instagram thing for 10 days?" twice before heading to bed, likely dreaming of how nice it'd be to date an accountant and not a writer.

I gain three followers.

Day Two: The 'I Just Happened To Walk Past An Amazing Florist And Candidly Took A Snap!'

Ah, the post that influencers whip out for the killall the time.

I set off on my lunch break in search of an Instagram-worthy florist. Google Maps says there's one in my area! Easy-peasy!

After 28 minutes of walking through various arcades and side streets, it appears that the florist has shut down. There is no longer a florist in my area. Google Maps has failed me. After divulging my dilemma to the helpful lady at a nearby Indian takeaway store, she tells me, "there is a nice cafe just down there, that would be a lovely picture!"

I'm supposed to be back at my laptop, so hurriedly take a snap of the stupid cafe instead.

#art

I trudge back to the office and thrust my phone in my colleagues' faces. "IS THIS OK TO POST? DOES IT LOOK LEGIT? WILL IT MAKE ME FAMOUS?" I ask, a bead of sweat rolling down my face.

Sophie and Zara shake their heads in disgust. I scroll through my camera roll and find a photo of Valentine's Day flowers I took in 2017, add a stupid filter and press 'publish'.

I lose three followers.

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Mar 22, 2018 at 5:29am PDT

Days Three and Four: Literally stuff I had in my camera roll

I'm slipping. It's day three and I'mslipping.

I keep forgetting that I'm an influencer now and continually make the grave mistake of living my life instead. For two consecutive days I don't post a thing until 11pm. Both things are from my camera roll. One's a holiday throw-back and the other is a mushy meme I found two months ago.

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Mar 23, 2018 at 2:31am PDT

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Mar 24, 2018 at 1:10am PDT

My mum's friend sees my holiday throwback - which I hashtagged with #bali and #fbf - and LITERALLY MESSAGES ME VERY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS OF WHERE I SHOULD GO WHILE I'M IN SEMINYAK. Then she wishes me a safe trip. And puts xoxo on the end. I fight the urge to delete the photo/my Instagram account/my self from existence.

I feel... hollow.

I gain 24 followers across two days.

Probably

definitely because my tits were involved.

Day Five: The iced-latte shot

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Mar 25, 2018 at 12:33am PDT

You know the one.

I make my sister take 109 photos of me holding an iced latte just so I can post a stupid effing photo of it, in which time my iced latte melts.

I gain eight followers...

... but my freshly downloaded InstaFollower app informs me my ex-boyfriend, myfirst boyfriend ever, unfollows me. So does a woman I worked with in retail for two years. Amazing.

Day Six: TIME TO RAMP THINGS UP

Gaining about 40 followers in five days is nice. It's fine. But when you're halfway through an experiment where the end goal isInstagram fame, it doesn't really cut the mustard, ya know?

I decide to ramp up my Insta game with the help of my food blogger pal. He tells me an industry hack that's... not exactly illegal, but is absolutely frowned upon. Let's just say it's the ball tampering of Instagram.

A robot. I buy a $50 Instagram robot.

This robot - who will, from this point forward, be referred to as David Warner - does all the annoying stuff for me. While I live my life, even while I sleep, David Warner likes THOUSANDS OF PHOTOS on my behalf. He also comments on strangers' stuff with reckless abandon. And follows random people in the hopes they follow me back. When they do follow me, he unfollows them. He's ruthless and I bloody love him. It becomes clear that this is clearly how all the other Instagram influencers are doing it, because there arehundredsof Instagram robot businesses online.