'Early dates can be problematic': What no one tells you about dating after divorce.

I didn’t expect dating after divorce to go the way it did.

I was married for over 15 years so I was completely out of touch with modern dating and had no idea what to expect.

I also had a few assumptions about dating as an older divorcee with kids. 

Most of them ended up being wrong.

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Early dates can be problematic.

As many of us do, I landed in a rebound relationship immediately after leaving my marriage. 

I’d been warned about rebounds and how painful and pointless they are, but I ignored that advice. 

The rebound ended up being an even more manipulative and physically abusive relationship than my abusive marriage, and that was my first lesson. 

Lesson #1: If you date too quickly after divorce, you end up in a similar relationship to the one you left. 

I didn’t see the pattern in my relationships, though, until the second guy I dated after divorce. 

He was sweet and not abusive, but he was a player. 

After our second date, when it became clear he wasn’t interested in anything more than sex, I saw the similarities. 

I could have lined up almost every guy I’ve ever dated and they would be interchangeable: most of them were extroverts around the same height with dark hair. 

They were all charismatic and fun, but self-centred and attention-seeking. As a quiet introvert, I’d fallen into an "opposites attract" situation. 

I’d become their adoring fan, and they’d lap up more and more of my time, energy, and attention. My relationship style was very one-sided. 

I very quickly started to see that dating after divorce would require me seeking out new types of people and learning to behave in different ways in a relationship. 

If your relationship has failed, it’s important to step back and work out what part you played and how you can change your future relationships. Otherwise, you’ll keep dating the same type of person, over and over. 

The age range of interested men changes.    

When I was in my 20s, I dated men around my age or a few years older. I assumed it would be the same in my 40s, so when men from 19 to 55 started showing an interest, it threw me.

I didn’t know what to think about much younger men asking me out. Was it some kind of MILF fantasy? Did they think older women would be easier, or more open to casual sex? Probably some of them did.    

I said no to some offers and yes to others, based on how well I thought we’d get along rather than their age. 

I decided dating younger guys might be a confidence boost, even if it didn’t lead to anything. Funnily enough, dating one of the younger men did lead to something — we got married! 

Once you’re an adult, people mature at different rates. How old you are starts to become less important than other factors. 

Lesson #2: Life experience, goals, attitude, and personality play a bigger part in whether you’ll be compatible with someone than their age.  

Online dating and texting lets people be more forward.

The first guy to ask for my number was asking for sex within a few minutes of texting. He offered to book a hotel room right then and there. 

I wasn’t against hooking up with someone eventually, but the speed of his offer and his boldness was a bit intimidating. I turned him down. I wasn’t ready. 

It’s become more acceptable to get straight to the point in modern dating. But that doesn’t mean you have to go along with other people’s expectations. 

It’s up to us to decide what our own boundaries and expectations are and state them clearly too. 

Online dating, texting, and Tinder have made it easier for people to be clearer about their expectations.

It’s also easier to be deceptive about why they’re looking for someone. In my 20s, I found most guys pretended they wanted a girlfriend, and sometimes this wasn’t true. 

There’s still a lot of pretending going on in dating — people pretending to be single, pretending to be in love and then ghosting, pretending to be interested then never showing up for a date, pretending to be someone they aren’t. 

Going into dating, you need to get a good grasp on red flags, love bombing, signs of scammers, and how people act when they are truly interested in you. 

People often tell us the truth with their words or actions, but we miss it. I had a guy tell me he was manipulative, but I brushed it off. I think I even said, "I’m sure you don’t mean to be. Don’t worry about it."

Several women in my Facebook support group have complained about guys messaging daily for weeks, but never meeting up in person. They arrange dates and then hear endless excuses about why the dates need to be cancelled. The thing is, someone who’s really into you will make the effort. We need to carefully listen to what people say and notice what they do.

I had a lot to learn about dating. Thankfully, there are great podcasts, Facebook support groups, and relationship experts such as The Gottman Institute, to learn from. 

Lesson #3: Learning makes you feel more confident about dating. You can quickly weed out the duds and recognise the guys who are worth your time.   

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Dating after 40 can be intimidating. But armed with knowledge and a clear idea about what you want, dating can also be really fun.

Notice your past patterns and do what you need to do to heal from them. Open your mind to a wider range of people. Place good boundaries and learn to recognise behaviours you don’t want in your relationships. 

There’s so much support out there for women over 40 dating again. Whether it’s a dating coach or a Facebook singles’ group, find people you can learn from. Hopefully, you’ll avoid some of the disaster dates and enjoy the process.     

Feature Image: Getty.

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