Nighttime is the hardest part.
Days roll on. Distractions. Life. Dogs to be walked, work to be done, weights to be lifted, food to eat.
I don’t feel the pull throughout the day. That something’s missing. That there’s something empty inside of me. A space no amount of distractions can fill.
Side note: Women share their relationship deal breakers. Post continues below.
It waits in the shadows during the day. Sometimes I can feel it moving amongst my interactions, but if I duck my head and stay occupied, I forget it’s there.
Until the night. The night is when there’s nothing for it to hid behind. To separate it from me. Loneliness swirls around my head and heart, the coiling snake of an invisible feeling.
The memory of someone once there with me watching television. Or opening a bottle of wine with me. Or letting my hand curl around her chest as we give ourselves up to sleep. Memories. Loneliness.
But that’s okay.
Because while there will always be times of loneliness, it’s more important to be comfortable being single.
You don’t need to love yourself. You need to understand yourself.
It’s a phrase tossed around like lollies at Halloween. "You need to love yourself before you can love someone else."
But how does one love oneself?
Wouldn’t it require going full narcissist mode? If so, I know plenty of people who have entered full loving themselves mode.
The concept of loving yourself before loving someone else is flawed. You don’t need to fall in love with yourself. No, you need to understand yourself. You need to accept yourself.
And the only way to fully understand what makes you who you are is to be on your own. To be single.
It requires separation and loneliness. Because when you don’t have that other person to lean on, you’re forced to grow and lean on yourself.