It’s Saturday night and instead of going out, I’m sitting in my garage wearing trackies, about to indulge in a wild night of decluttering.
In my pile of things to give away, I’ve placed a stack of boxes filled with old baby clothes. It makes sense on paper. We need the extra room. My husband and I aren’t planning on having more children. Currently, our five and three-year-old fill up my life: yes, with joy and laughter, but also with exhaustion as I juggle work deadlines with tantrums and trips to the doctor. Everyone’s parenting capacity is different, and I’m not ashamed to say I’ve reached mine at two kids.
But here’s the problem: I just can’t do it. I can’t give these clothes away: these tatty, candy coloured bits of fabric my children have played in, slept in, trailed through muddy playgrounds in. Even though I tell friends we’re done having kids and do a happy dance every time I sail past the nappy aisle at the supermarket, giving away old clothes feels so final – like a full stop on our family of four. I can’t help asking: what if we’re not ‘done’? Should we try for one more kid?
I understand the privilege that comes with being able to talk about the choice to have more children. Some women have no choice in the matter, which can be a source of pain. And I know the number of kids you have – whether it’s zero or enough to fill a minivan – is no indication of how satisfying your life is.
But when I see a large family at the park or a friend announces their third pregnancy, I’m confronted by the fact that at this stage of my life, I do have a choice to make – a big one, if you think about the responsibility that comes with bringing another human into the world. Setting aside surprise pregnancies, how do you know you’re making the right choice? What if you stop having kids, but regret it years down the track? Or alternatively what if you fall pregnant, only to find you can’t cope with having another child?