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We’ve been swingers, or “in the swing lifestyle,” as it’s called, for six years. I’m a middle-aged, heterosexual female in a long-term, committed relationship with a middle-aged, heterosexual male. Yes, we are in a committed relationship and openly enjoying sex with people outside of our relationship.
And, no, there’s no jealousy or drama.
The difference between swinging and cheating is that swingers know about and are OK with the sex going on outside the relationship. Beyond this basic definition, swinging means different things to different people. Each of us gets to figure out where our boundaries are – who we’re looking for, how we’ll find them, and what we’ll do (and not do) with them. It’s not a gang bang-style free-for-all. Unless, of course, you want it to be.
Maybe you and your partner are considering swinging. Or maybe you’re just thinking about it and you’d like to talk to your partner about it. Here’s my story.
How It Began
Our journey began with bedroom talk and sharing fantasies about having other people in the room with us while we were having sex. The fantasies were pretty tame, in hindsight, and focused mostly on another woman stimulating another part of my spouse’s body in addition to the parts that were already being stimulated. From his perspective, there just weren’t enough hands, mouths and vaginas to cover off all the erogenous parts of his body. I had fantasies too, but at first I was less forthcoming. Eventually, I admitted fantasising about watching my spouse with another woman, or even several women. (Years later, I’m more comfortable talking about my own fantasies. I attribute that to swinging.)
Fantasising and talking led to research into how and where to find the real-life extras featured in our fantasies. My spouse is the go-to guy for Internet research. He spent hours reading online about swinging. He amassed a wealth of information about websites and local clubs where swingers meet. During his research, he found some very good how-to sex sites and, one Sunday afternoon, I was surprised that we’d found ourselves watching and discussing an instructional video on anal sex! It was a pretty straightforward discussion, and pretty soon we were talking about swinging in the same way. But would we take the leap? And how?
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Learning the Ropes
One thing I learned pretty quickly: Websites for swinger clubs have good information for wanna-be swingers. I liked that most clubs made it pretty clear that in swinging, the woman is in charge and no means no. That impressed me.
The research and discussion continued for several months. We talked about what we wanted out of swinging, our boundaries and how we saw it unfolding. Over time, we developed a mutual position on what we would do and not do. We wanted a male/female couple close to our age who were reasonably fit for full swap (i.e. intercourse included), same-room play. We did not want to become their friends. Just sex, thankyouverymuch.
Top Comments
Yeah, the big surprise is discovering the others are for the main just normal people. They have jobs, mortgages, families and often in very long term relationships.
It's actually safer than a pub, where you get a lot of alcohol fuelled violence and competition for attention. Everyone at swingers is there for one very non violent reason. If you stick to couples parties there's a little extra comfort in knowing that the person you talk to has a partner, so it's a little less likely they are a serial killer as opposed to a person you met in a bar who is alone. But always use protection.
People know the rules, no means no and you can watch but you wait to be invited to join in. Pressuring anyone is very uncool and you can quickly find yourself being asked to leave if you do. Whatever you do there, once you walk out the door with your partner, things go back to normal by the time you reach the car.
Which clubs do you go to? So i know where to avoid.