The following list was compiled from my wife, myself, and a few other guilty parties whose names will be protected until my death. They know who they are, and they don’t feel guilty either.
1. I’ve been trying to use up the gross generic peanut butter that we bought a while ago. When we make sandwiches, the kids get generic. I get the good stuff. I’m choosy… and selfish.
2. If we are at the end of a loaf of bread, the kids always get the butt. They think it is the “special” piece.
3. I eat the filling out of Oreos and give my son the cookie part.
4. When the kids ask for more food after dinner, I tell them that food before bed gives them nightmares. The second their heads hit the pillow, I make a second dinner – an ice cream dinner. I sleep like a rock.
5. We take batteries out of annoying toys and say that they are broken. Then when we put the batteries back in, we act like we are toy fixing gods. LOVE US, FOR WE HAVE FIXED YOUR TOY!
6. If someone at a party gives my kids juice, I sneak it away and water it down until the only thing juicy about it is the colour. If my kids ever taste real juice their heads may explode.
7. I steal my son’s favourite toys so he has to sit with me.
8. I eat all the good Halloween candy. My kids are unaware of the existence of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.
9. I stare at my daughter while she sleeps.
10. I have a special signal that tells my husband to unplug the wireless modem. Then I pretend to be really sad when we can’t watch Winnie the Pooh for the 3rd time that day.
11. I have avoided teaching my kids about clocks and time just so I can put them to bed at 6pm in the winter. I am hoping this lasts until their early teens.
12. I haven’t told my daughter that she writes the letter J backwards every time because I secretly don’t want her to stop doing it. Ever.
Watch Hugh Grant talk to Ellen about being a dad. Post continues after video.