rogue

"It covered... none of my nipples." What I learned from a very sexy appointment.

I am a terribly awkward person at the best of times.

Let alone when I'm about to walk into a store for a personalised, all-about-me lingerie and sex toy appointment. That is... peak awkward.

Joy.

I entered the Sydney city Honey Birdette store not quite sure what to expect. I'd been told COVID-19 and its subsequent restrictions had led to an influx in customers keen on a customised shopping experience - whether it be a lingerie fitting or adult toy tour - but what exactly did that mean for me, and my 'good' $25 Cotton On bralette?

Mamamia confessions: The weirdest place I've had sex. Post continues below video.


Video via Mamamia.

I had entered a Honey Birdette store a handful of times before, on account of a close friend's obsession with their salted caramel lube, (pre-COVID, they'd pop some on your finger for a taste and it was divine. More on that later!) so it was a semi-recognisable space. But on any normal shopping day, there are other customers and my friend, who will launch into a passionate debate of salted caramel vs strawberry with the salesperson, leaving my eyes to just kind of... dart around in peace.

This time there was no one but me and the store's wonderful staff Charlotte and Sofia. Oh, and my champagne glass.

I have no doubt they could tell I was nervous, on account of my "HELLO HOW ARE YOU YES PLEASE I'LL HAVE A CHAMPAGNE", breathless, loud introduction, but they didn't let on.

To begin, I was asked what I liked while looking at the lingerie that covered the store's very visually-pleasing walls. Basically, my fashion comfort zone is blue - just blue. My lingerie comfort zone is sports bras and bralettes because #comfort and #ihaventleftmyapartmentinsixmonths.

This was a whole new situation. Firstly, there wasn't much blue. That was okay, because I'd given myself a pep talk which basically said 'choose anything but blue, live a little, god dammit'.

I then kind of just... waddled into the changing room, telling Charlotte I trusted her implicitly (I didn't... yet) and she could pick what she thought I'd like.

ADVERTISEMENT

The changing room had luxe padded walls and a tray for my glass. Plus this:

The button of my DREAMS.

And suddenly... I felt good. There is just something about a 'press for champagne' bell on the wall that makes you feel special. Do you think my property manager would let me install one in my room?

Charlotte arrived with two sets: A neon pink called Marivie, and a hot pink called Vanessa. I was like you don't even know me at all, but this wasn't her first rodeo: She handed them to me, offered a helpful smile and 'yell if you need anything' before disappearing back behind the curtain like some kind of lingerie fairy godmother.

I forgot to take photos of the actual sets besides in this selfie... Not sure if that's down to nervousness, or narcissism.

Lol can you see the terror in my eyes?

ADVERTISEMENT

But friends... CHARLOTTE WAS RIGHT.

They were beautiful. And even on my skin, which was sporting a week-old fake tan that had washed off in most places (can you tell I really dressed up for this very lovely, sexy experience?), they looked a-maz-ing.

Charlotte returned to help me do up a suspender, which I definitely just ran out of time to put on. I absolutely knew how to wear it. Honestly.

Next, I tried on a set called Lyndl Neon, affectionately known as 'Tennis Ball' by Charlotte, whom by this point I'd come to consider a close friend.

Tennis chic.

Lyndl Neon covered precisely no parts of my nipples which was cute but also confronting. 

And lastly, came Martika - a black push up set with a collar. Not to be dramatic, but I'm considering naming my first born (cat) baby after this set.

ADVERTISEMENT

Ok but ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL.

When Charlotte came to check on me, she was very complimentary of how I had layered the thong and high-wasted underwear. I'd assumed that because the high-waisted ones had a... hole... in the bum, layering was the point.

It... was not the point.

This says a lot about me as a person, doesn't it? Points for ingenuity, I guess.

With that done, a bit of liquid courage and a new found ~confidence~, my new best friend Charlotte handed me onto Sofia and another glass of champagne, for it was sex toy time.

So many potential friends. 

We spent the next half an hour clutching, stroking and... rubbing various vibrating toys against our arms. Is this the weirdest sentence I've written in my career? Perhaps.

ADVERTISEMENT

Then we turned around to the bondage toys and... well, I can tick 'attaching a dildo to a harness around my waist' off the bucket list. There are photos, but I feel putting them on the internet forever may be... too much.

👁👄👁

ADVERTISEMENT

Sofia introduced me to a 'spreader' and yes, that is exactly what it sounds like. Look, I'm not quite sure how we got to this point, but it wasn't long until Sofia was showing how to use cuffs and a spreader, on her knees, in the middle of her workplace.

Bless these women.

Finally, I exclaimed my love for the salted caramel lube and found myself in a passionate debate about its taste vs. the marshmallow flavour. We've come full circle!

With my lingerie set confirmed and my hand... flogged (literally), I'd successfully made it through my appointment.

It had been a little over an hour and I'd gone from being a nervous wreck to feeling like a totally different person. It wasn't even all down to the champers, either.

It sounds cliche, but I soon realised I was in a 'safe space', where I could share as little or as much information as I wanted.

Then, mid-way through trying on the lingerie I realised I am a highly cynical human who had completely underestimated the confidence a beautiful lingerie set can give you. 

I've always felt confident in my usual cheap bras and even my sports crops - they've never made me feel daggy, and don't worry Cotton On, I'll be wearing your seamfree bralettes for the rest of my days - but with the Marivie set on I was like, two minutes away from putting a bum photo on Instagram or something.

It just hits different.

For me, the most beneficial part of the appointment was gaining a sense of... comfort; little pieces of knowledge that have helped me truly appreciate places where women's sexuality is celebrated and embraced. I left feeling empowered - both in my cute new suspender and my simple bralette - because it was all about me, making sure I felt comfortable and good with personalised suggestions.

A week on, I still feel that sense of empowerment, so I'm guessing it's sticking around for good.

A few more pieces of advice from sages Charlotte and Sofia:

  • It is just as weird for staff as it is for us to be talking about sex and pleasure with strangers - so if you're feeling uncomfortable, it may help to know this isn't natural for them either!
  • It's good to try something new, but don't ever push yourself further than you want to
  • It's not about what you buy, it's about how you feel
  • You should always start by wearing a bra on its loosest hooks - you can then move to the tighter hooks as it stretches, which ensures a little more wear

Before I go, I feel obliged to share my most important lesson: The salted caramel lube is life changing in a cup of coffee. 

For drinking. Not for... look, don't do anything else with a hot cup of coffee, okay?

00:00 / ???