What every parent wants to say to their children. But doesn’t because we’re good f*cking parents:
Please stop talking.
Your voice is annoying to me and I can’t seem to ever please you. You’re like tiny angry dictators who makes poor choices we have to fix all the time, while you just move on with your life. So basically you’re Trump.
I try my hardest but all you care about is where the next chocolate milk is coming from or who just farted, and I quote “hehehehehe”.
I spend hours brushing your hair, tidying your room and losing at monopoly even though I’m the boss at Monopoly. Do you know what it means that I let you win at Monopoly? I must really f*cking like you. And then all you do is ask to go to your grandparents; constantly.
No, I don’t want to make your sandwich with the crusts cut off. You’re having cheese and all the salad. Did you hear me? All of the f*cking salad.
I will not remove one salad item per sandwich per child. I don’t care if one of you hates tomato or loathes lettuce. Just eat it.
I couldn’t think of anything worse than reading a sixth bedtime story. Fairytales are bullsh*t and were all going to die – some of us early, some of us later. True loves aren’t found and declared in a day and marriage is f*cking hard work.
Bet ya Rapunzel has some bloody princess blog somewhere that is all about how her prince husband doesn’t come home on Fridays after work… Where’s that in a Disney movie?