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IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: It has been confirmed that Hello Kitty is NOT A CAT.

BREAKING NEWS.

It has been revealed today that popular Japanese cartoon character ‘Hello Kitty’ is not, in fact, a cat.

Drop everything and keep reading RIGHT NOW. If there’s one news story you need to be across this week, it’s this one.

This is Hello Kitty:

As you can see, Hello Kitty has a cat head, including whiskers and pointy ears, and a cat body, including a tail.

So, it’s only natural that in the forty years since Hello Kitty burst out of Japan and onto the international scene, everybody just assumed she was a Japanese cat.

WRONG.

Hello Kitty is a girl. A HUMAN girl. A human BRITISH girl. YOU’VE ALL BEEN FOOLED.

Don’t panic, we’ll get through this together.

Anthropologist Christine R. Yano is a professor at Harvard, who literally wrote the book on Hello Kitty (“Pink Globalisation: Hello Kitty’s Trek Across the Pacific”). This year, Yano is curating a Hello Kitty retrospective at the Japanese American National Museum in Los Angeles.

When she sent her notes to Sanrio (the company behind Hello Kitty) for approval, they got back to her with some fairly important corrections. Yano told The LA Times:

“That’s one correction Sanrio made for my script for the show. Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature.”

Yano further revealed that Hello Kitty actually has quite a detailed and specific backstory:

Her name is Kitty White.

She is a little girl who lives in London.

She has a twin sister called Mimmy White:

She has a pet cat of her own called Charmmy Kitty, who actually does look more like a cat than she does:

Along with her twin, she lives with her mum and dad and grandma and grandpa:

She is a Scorpio.

Her blood type is A.

So there you have it. Possibly the most unsettling and shocking news to sweep the globe this week:

Hello Kitty is almost certainly a mentally disturbed young British girl who thinks that she is a cat.


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