"Let’s Talk About Sex Ba-by."
Or rather, "Let’s talk about how hard it is to have a sex life once you have babies."
Hmm ok, slightly less catchy...
Still, I’m talking about it.
I know. Ugh. Parents having the S.E.X. Gross. We all like to pretend it doesn’t happen.
Watch: Things parents never say. Post continues below.
Remember that time when you walked into your parents' room and heard a ruffle of sheets moving frantically and saw a slightly sweaty, red-aced Mum emerge from under the doona?
That’s the shit you place in the "DO NOT OPEN" file, deep in the back of your brain. Now you’re probably opening that file. I apologise. Shake it off. Stay with me.
Ironic, isn’t it? You do the deed. You produce the beautiful babies. Then, unbeknownst to them, those babies make it their mission to ensure you never climax again.
Congratulations on the arrival of your brand new c*ckblocker.
In our house, my husband and I have a bedroom next to our children. It’s close. Like sharing a wall kind of close. So yeah, it forces some creative thinking.
You need to be strategic. To be down with some S.S.S. (Super Silent Sex). I mean nothing is hotter than the sweet whisperings of: "Stop. Did you hear something?"
You could be tempted to mask the noise with music or loud TV. Rookie mistake. All that’s going to do is prevent you from hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet approaching. Seriously. You may as well just pack your bags now and head to the land of lost orgasms.
Let’s say you want to do the morning mambo. A likely scenario, if you have young children like I do.
"Why mornings?" you ask.