After two years of sneaking around with him, I lost track of how many times we’d ‘broken up’. There was the one big breakup that lasted about a week, and several smaller break-up arguments that always ended the same way — he’d yell, I’d yell, and he’d drive home. Then, I’d text him hours later asking him to come back in the morning so we could “talk”.
But after those two years, I had lost a lot of respect for myself. I’d missed out on potential relationships, romantic and platonic, because I’d invested my complete time and energy in this tumultuous and toxic thing I called a relationship.
I lost the joy in my eyes that you get when you talk about your boyfriend with your friends, because my friends had made it very clear that I was harming myself by continuing to see him and asked me not to bring him around.
Watch: Emotional Vs Physical Affair. Post continues below.
I knew it was wrong and unhealthy and immature to give so much of myself to this married man who had gaslighted me into thinking that he really loved me. He said it all the time. “I love you and I love my wife. It’s possible to love two people at once.”
I had just turned 21, and when he said it, I thought there was some deeper, philosophical meaning behind loving two people at the same time. Now I know it was bullshit he said to himself so he could sleep at night.
He didn’t truly love me, that’s certain. As for his relationship with his wife, I only know one side of the story — his side. And for that, I’ll never claim that he loved or didn’t love her. All I know is what I saw.
He lied to her about working late so he could come over to my place. He lied to her about working early so we could get breakfast. He lied to her about being too tired to talk to his daughters on the phone while out of town for work when really, I was waiting in the hotel room so we could go to sleep.
He lied to her in front of me all the time, and I was too naïve to see that if he was dishonest with the mother of his children, the supposed ‘love of his life’, then why would I, even for a second, believe he wouldn’t be dishonest with me too?