Don’t try to put me in a box.
I’m not "child-free by choice." I’m not even just "child-free."
I’m not child "less," I’m not infertile. (Well, in truth, I might be).
I just don’t have children.
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It’s not because of some noble environmental objection or screen-time fear about growing up in a social media dominated world. (Although I will say thank god Snapchat didn’t exist when I was slinking to drama rehearsals during high school lunch hour).
It’s not because I think I would be a terrible or totally unfit parent (there are times when I most arrogantly think I could’ve pulled it off – and yes, I know, if there’s one thing mummy blogs have taught me, it’s far harder than it looks!).
Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I did toy with the idea, and after we (ahem, I) got over the sheer terror of letting my periods arrive whenever they damn well felt like it, you could even say we "actively tried to conceive" for a while there.
The condoms stayed in the bottom drawer. I downloaded an app to help figure out when I was ovulating. I put aside my phobia of UTI’s and tried not to pee as soon as we were done.
If you want to boil it right down, we threw some sh*t at the wall to see if it would stick. It didn’t.
Turns out, I’m not devastated.
I don’t possess that relentless tugging at my uterus urging me to be a mother.
"Trying" was more due to vague curiosity, a "what if" scenario, another potential experience in this journey called life.
I decided a long time ago I wouldn’t go down the IVF route. Not because of any religious or scientific objection, I just didn’t want to be a mother that badly.
And, no, we don’t have a "fur-baby" to complete our household of two. My maternal calling isn’t secretly wrapped around an organic plastic bone-shaped chew toy.
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By now you probably think I’m a total arsehole.
Okay. I’ll admit there are times when I do worry or feel kind of bad. What if my husband isn’t being completely honest with me and is actually totally devastated because I’ve taken away his opportunity to be a dad (he says he’s not).