I just found out Gwyneth Paltrow lied to me: You can't sweat out toxins.

Despite often claiming otherwise, I am a total sucker for health trends.

In public, I’ll laugh off activated almonds with the best of them, but catch me behind closed doors and I’m soaking the $hit out of those little nuts, baking them lovingly in the hopes of an intestinal system so healthy I’ll basically be peeing kale.

I trust the health food blogs. I listen to the experts on cupping. I genuinely think that a coffee enema sounds like a fair option. I HAVE A TAB MARKED “NUTRIBULLET RECIPES” ON MY WEBSITE BROWSER.

So, you can only imagine how shattered I was when I found out that one of my favourite health myths has actually been proven to be, well, a myth. (That is not the point of unfounded medicine, guys…)

Sit down, because this is going to hurt.

The whole “sweating out your toxins” thing? Well, it’s a lie. 

Sweating out toxins. It is — was — the most indulgent of all the health myths. As we slogged it out on the treadmill, or caught a whiff of stale pinot as we battled through a Sunday hangover, it was all done with a wry smile and sense of purpose: we were actively doing something for our health, you see. We were sweating out toxins.

NOT SO.

Apparently, the only thing excessive sweating does for us is cause dehydration and loss of water weight.

“Sweat glands sit in the skin and aren’t connected to other systems in the body, so it makes no sense that they would eliminate waste,” Dr. Rachel Vreeman, author of Don’t Cross Your Eyes… They’ll Get Stuck That Way!, said, according to Fitness Magazine. “The only role of perspiration is to keep us cool.” – Science Mic.

As with any adult disappointment, it is important to have a scapegoat to take the blame and/or absorb our humiliation.

For this purpose, I would like to nominate 1 x GWYNETH PALTROW who — aside from having the most difficult-to-spell name on the planet — introduced us all to Bikram Yoga in the first place.

(And also uploads pictures of things like “Pea Toast”, prompting all of us to question our capacity to eat at least nine “Pea Toasts” and still be starving.)

Goop Goddess Gwyneth’s beloved Bikram Yoga attributes the compulsory 35+ degree studio temperature to encouraging heavy sweating, a detoxification process that helps rid our body of salt, potassium, ammonia and urea.

UH, NOPE.

“Most of what you are sweating is water, but there are other chemicals that make up sweat, including salt, potassium, ammonia and urea,” yoga teacher Amber Kim wrote on Breaking Muscle.

“True toxin elimination comes from the kidneys and liver, and some from the colon. Doing a 90-minute hot yoga session and sweating to death is not releasing toxins,” Kim continued. “You really are just dehydrating yourself and losing only water weight.”

I mean, the heat of Bikram still serves to relax muscles and encourage deeper stretching. But without the siren’s song of my pores bleeding out Saturday night’s sins, well — I don’t know that I could make it through those waves of heat-induced nausea.

Anyone looking for a primo excuse to ditch their new year’s resolution to “sweat more”? You’ve got it.