I was dating a guy for a while, and it seemed to be clicking along nicely. He talked about long-term stuff, he told his friends about me, he even introduced me to his sister.
And then he got abducted by aliens. Or fell off a cliff. Or died in frozen aisle of the supermarket. I’m not sure what happened, but he completely disappeared. As I like to call it, he did a Ghosty.
One minute he was inviting me over for the weekend, the next minute, poof! He’d turned into a ghost. No more calls, no more messages. No responses to the voice mails I left (just to be clear, I was extremely far from stalker territory. I was very restrained, considering I wanted to beat his door down just to kick him in the shin and run away). Our plans for the weekend were left hanging in mid-air. I still don’t know if he actually died. We weren’t connected on any social media, so I was left typing his name into Google to see if any obituaries came up.
For an extremely mild-headed girl, I was absolutely livid. Any excuse under the sun would have made me a lot happier than a Ghosty. So, to all the dudes who have/will pull a Ghosty and disappear just as I had cleared you from the ‘potential asshole’ list, here’s what I want you to do.
Man up and lie to me.
I’d prefer to hear a bullshit excuse then nothing at all. I’d even find the bullshit excuse enjoyable – at least I can laugh at your tenacity, admire your creativity or roll my eyes and call you an asshole. It sure as hell beats silence. When it comes to getting dumped, silence is not golden. Silence is fucking infuritating. Silence makes me question everything I ever did/said/ate/messaged/cuddled/wore/watched/joked about with you. One tiny message would remind me that your disappearance is largely because of your own issues, and not because of something that I did (unless it IS something that I did, in which case sorry for eating all of your chips or whatever the problem was).
Like real poltergeist, Ghosties come in all shapes and sizes. There are Ghosties that pop up so fast, you’re not sure they were ever a real person in the first place. Maybe after just one date or one night. One time, a guy even turned into a ghost halfway through our disco dance-floor pash. One second he was there, the next I was kissing a cloud of mist as he floated on to the next life (or chick). Some guys don’t even realise they are doing a Ghosty. They are just slowly fading away, like Victoria Beckham. Others are like ghosts from movies*:
Casper the Friendly Ghost.
The guy who pulls the ‘friendly ghost’ likes to act like he’s a good guy who might be a real boy one day (and hopefully dreamy like 12-year-old Devon Sawa). He constantly texts hat you will ‘catch up soon’, but really, he’s totally vapour.
Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense.
This guy has yet to realise he is a ghost. He keeps up appearances in your life that imply he is a real-life boyfriend, but he’s emotionally hazy and not quite all-there. Soon enough… you both see right through him.