Well, will you check out the norks on her. It’s been quite some time since I tuned in to The Bold & The Beautiful. About 15 years, in fact. But I am supremely confident that should I flick it on this arvo, I would be quite capable of following what’s going on despite that tragic gap. Soap opera years are like dog years. LIttle babies are suddenly grown-up and having affairs and yet the lead characters remain spookily ageless. Hello Brooke and Taylor.
Regular MM-er Kerri Sackville is a gifted writer and recently wrote a brilliant list of reasons why she could never be a character in a daytime soap…..
1. Soap opera women never seem to be eating.
2. Soap opera women drink tea. I drink decaf skim milk cappucinos. With Equal.
3. Soap opera women wake up in the morning in full makeup. On the rare occasions that I wear makeup, I wake up the next morning with it on my pillow.
4. Soap opera women have really long fingernails. I have a bottle of Stop n’Grow next to my bed. Unopened.
5. Soap opera women have sleek, smooth hair (yes, even the black ones). I have Jewish frizz.
6. Soap opera women have servants who wear starched uniforms. I have a cleaning lady once a fortnight who makes me tidy up before she arrives.
7. Soap opera women have deep, dark secrets. I feel compelled to tell shop assistants when my bottom is itchy.
8. Soap opera women discover long lost, evil twin sisters. My mother speaks to my sister and me at least three times a day. I think the chance of a sibling becoming lost in the system is somewhat remote.
9. Soap opera women know men called Ridge, Brock, Victor and Stefano. Most of my male friends are called Adam.
10. Soap opera women marry every man they know at least once. Our community is small, but it’s not that small.
11. Soap opera women call their mothers ‘Mother’. Well, I find that’s a little bit formal for someone I speak to three times a day.
12. Soap opera women say things like ‘Guthrie, would you please fetch the limousine?’. I say things like ‘Oy’ and ‘What a schlep’.
13. Soap opera women work in their father’s multi-national corporations. (Okay, well, maybe that one’s not so far fetched.)
14. Soap opera women have pregnancy-free babies. I weighed about a hundred kilos for nine months. Twice.
15. Soap opera women have children who are very quiet, beautifully dressed, and impeccably groomed. I have children who are very noisy, usually naked, and have bits of yesterday’s frankfurt in their hair.
16. Soap opera women sleep between satin sheets. I sleep between frayed cotton sheets that have been scribbled on in Texta.
17. Soap opera women have silk robes, which they wear with fluffy high heeled mules. I have a pink dressing gown, which I wear with my husband’s old socks.
18. Soap opera women have sex very rarely, but when they do they remain discreetly covered. Well, part of that statement is true for me…..
19. Soap opera women have discussions with their back to the person they’re conversing with, so that both of them can be facing the camera at once. That’s just stupid.
20. Soap opera women punctuate their conversation with meaningful looks into mid air. I might do that too, if my children ever let me finish a train of thought.
On the other hand, just like soap opera women…
1. You could tune into my life after an absence of six months and find that absolutely nothing has changed. In fact, I’m probably still in the same room, having the same conversation, and wearing the exact same set of clothes.
2. Every single person in my life is connected to each other by around two degrees of separation – even the cleaning lady.
3. I have nice teeth.
Brava Kerri. Hilarious. Now, who’s a soapie fan?