GUEST POST: Master Mum

Missing Master Chef? Well, have we got a treat for you today. You loved her last post about her premature baby daughter Sophia and back by popular demand in a totally different way, it’s Amanda Bugmum with her vision for the best show you’ve never watched on TV. Yet.

MasterMum: The Pitch

There is a huge, gaping void in my life where MasterChef used to be. And everywhere I look, networks are busily creating knockoffs to capitalise on the show’s runaway success.

Well, I may not be a My Kitchen Rules contender, but I’ve realised one doesn’t need to look too far for reality tv inspiration. Allow me to present the Next. Big. Thing. I call it “MasterMum…the search for Australia’s best amateur mother”.

The premise is simple. Contestants must compete in a series of challenges until just one MasterMum remains. Here’s the pitch so far.

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1. Pantry challenge

The scenario: It’s 5pm on the day before payday. The kids are feral and you only have the following ingredients in the pantry and fridge: three-day-old bread; rice bubbles; baked beans; yoghurt; chocolate; wine; milk and cheese.

Your challenge is to make an edible and nutritious dinner for the entire family in 30 minutes.

Points are lost for any food spat out, smeared on walls, or for point-blank refusal to eat.


2. Mystery Handbag challenge

The scenario: You are being a ‘good’ mother and have taken your kids to the park instead of sitting them in front of the tv for an hour. Suddenly, the baby does an explosive nappy and you dig in your handbag only to discover you have left your wipes at home.

Your challenge is to clean the hideous mess using only the contents of your handbag. You empty it to reveal: an old, scrunched up used tissue; several bandaids; a felt tip pen without a lid; a small notebook; a dried up tube of lipgloss; a nappy; two nappy bags; approximately 20 receipts; and a spare pair of underwear for your two-year-old.

Points are lost for swearing and any leakage of nappy contents onto clothes (theirs’ or yours’.)

 

3. Speed Challenge
The scenario: Your baby is currently staying up for around two hours before channelling Linda Blair from the Exorcist and needing to be put back to bed.

You must complete the following challenge within 120 minutes: get baby up; change nappy; breastfeed or bottle baby; make sure handbag has all necessary equipment for supermarket trip (purse, nappies, etc); run around trying to find baby’s hat; put hat on baby’s head; get baby in car; drive to supermarket; buy contents of shopping list while keeping baby happy in trolley; pay for groceries while making silly faces at baby to stave off tired grizzling; pack groceries in car; drive home; take baby back inside house; run between house and car unpacking shopping bags; put cold items in fridge and freezer while jiggling baby on hip; check baby’s nappy; change if necessary; put baby to bed.

Points lost for children throwing items out of trolley; grabbing stuff that isn’t on the list; putting stuff in their mouth and slobbering all over it before it can go through checkout; refusing to give up item so it can go through checkout and screaming when item taken.

 

Challenge failed if baby falls asleep in the car on the way home and fails to transfer to cot.


4. The Family Challenge

This one is for the whole family. Each parent must take two children under the age of four to lunch with another family. The restaurant is inside, has formal, white interiors and has no accompanying play area or anything of vague interest to preschoolers.

 

The challenge: Adults must attempt conversation and eat at least one course while keeping children amused and quiet. You may use an unlimited amount of snacks and the contents of your handbag (see Mystery Handbag challenge) to achieve your goal.

 

Points are awarded based on noise level and compliance and adults’ recall of conversation. Points are lost for loss of composure (child or adult) and/or property damage.

 


Whoever emerges unscathed, free from food and poo, and with some semblance of sanity wins!

 

What would your MasterMum Challenge be?

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