In public, in our workplaces, in polite company — we women are pretty good with our dining manners when required to be. It’s all ‘use a knife and fork; try not to splash anything; take manageable bites; if you drop it, move on.’
1. Look mum, no hands.
“If I get popcorn at the movies I don’t use my hands — I just use my tongue to pick up the pieces. If anything, I’m being more hygienic because my hands are so clean.”
2. Drop it like it’s hot.
“I have, like, a 10 minute rule — I will eat anything off the floor. It’s my house. If I drop it, it’s my germs anyway, and it’s good for the immune system… etc.”
3. Getting handsy.
“Eating everything with my hands. Even spaghetti. I am the biggest grub when it’s just me.”
4. Taking the cake.
“I eat raw cake mix. Although in fairness I would probably do that in public.”
5. Pasta bella.
“I like tomato sauce on my spaghetti bolognese if no one is around.”
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6. Dodgy bread required.
“Mopping up balsamic vinegar with home brand garlic bread. Must be home brand. The fancy garlic bread isn’t dodgy enough.”
7. Sugar fiend.
8. A salt of the hands.
“Licking salt off not just my fingers, but also my hands. Because none should go to waste.”
9. Baked with love.
“I lick the spoon when I’m baking a cake and then use it to continue to stir.”
10. Who needs crudites?
“Eating fingerfuls of hummus right out of the tub.”
11. No, really…
“Fingering condiments in general – Nutella, dip…”
12. Glass, schmlass.
“Prosecco, straight from the bottle, standing in the open fridge, like you would with OJ.”
13. Lick it good.
“I am a human dishwasher. You can always tell my plate at the table. It is licked clean. I don’t understand how people can leave vital juices/crumbs on their plates.”
14. Avo go
“I eat the avocado out from under my fingernails when making a salad/breakfast. I survived 20 years as a chronic nail biter and I’m still alive, so it’s fine.”
15. Just in case.
“I used to eat the paper casing from muffins and cupcakes to get all the last crumbs.”
16. Ice, ice baby.
“I hated biting into icey poles so I would usually eat the wrapper with it. Only the paper wrappers, like on Black and Gold icy poles.”
17. Scrap monster.
“I eat scraps off other people’s plates and I eye off their food while they’re eating it because I’m 1. Speedy and 2. ALWAYS FUCKING HUNGRY.”
18. One spoonful for me…
“When I make mashed potato I get a spoon of butter, put mashed potato on it, salt it and eat. A spoonful of heaven.”
Go on – what’s your dirty eating confession?