Grease is being remade. And it's just all wrong.

You hear that? That’s the sound of the original Pink Ladies and the T-Birds groaning.

Fox has announced that they are diving into the realm of ‘live televised musicals’ (that’s a thing? Right-o.) with a live production of Grease. “Ambitious” would be a polite way to describe that choice, because nothing will EVER, EVER be as good as the original.

It will be a live, televised version of the stage show. It would be worse if they were ACTUALLY remaking the film. But between you, me and Hollywood, it’s a matter of time. We all know it will happen soon. Please, I beg you Hollywood, DON’T DO IT.

They’ve announced two of the lead roles. Julianne Hough as Sandy, and Vanessa Hudgens as Rizzo.


Julianne Hough will play Sandy in Grease, originally portrayed by Olivia Newton-John.

Julianne Hough. I know I’ve read her name somewhere before, because it’s one of those names I don’t know how to pronounce inside my head (Hoff? Huff? Howg? Hug? Whatever.) but I couldn’t tell you a single thing she has done. According to Mr. Google, she’s popular in the States for big screen adaptations of musicals, like the remake of Footloose and Rock Of Ages. I’m a big fan of the ol’ musical movie, and I haven’t watched either of them yet, because I was told they were kinda shit. But still, A+ for effort, Julianne Hug-Hoff. These days, with two movie-musicals under your belt, you are probably referred to as a ‘veteran’.

Vanessa Hudgens will play Rizzo, originally portrayed by Stockard Channing.

Vanessa Hudgens. Was in High School Musical. And then High School Musical 2. And then High School Musical 3. And then… um… probably CSI or something. Well, she’s back. And she’s the same.

That’s all we’ve got for casting so far. Apparently, ‘several big names have been approached’ for the other roles. So, they probably said no. If Justin Beiber gets cast as Danny, I’m out.

It’s not that I doubt the talents of these two ladies, I just can’t imagine little Vanessa Hudgens to have the grit and world-weariness to play Rizzo. Then again, Vanessa did have nude photos of herself leaked on the internet when she was dating Zac Efron (funnily enough, the nude photos I keep sending him just keep getting returned), so maybe she is a bit more jaded than her wide-eyed Wildcat days.

But she’ll never be this:


Or this:

Or this:

Basically, my point is: Rizzo is perfection. And Stockard Channing as Rizzo is irreplaceable. Just because Vanessa is brown-eyed and pretty, doesn’t mean she has the guts to deal with a high-school pregnancy, a bad-ass boyfriend and a mean girl reputation. Best of luck to you with that, Hudgens.

Fox’s whole plan is to “re-imagine the hit crossover musical for an entirely new generation.” I’m not really sure what they mean by ‘crossover’ musical (are they talking about Sandy’s crossover from goody-two-shoes to skank? Because in that case, greatest crossover of all time) but, dear Fox, you do not need to re-imagine anything. Look at this:

It is already imagined. Kids today can still watch the 1978 fim of Grease and completely understand it. It’s relevant, even if it doesn’t involve iPhones or Facebook or selfies. High school hormones, peer pressure, makeovers, dance-fights and 17-year-old drag races – it’s as relevant now as it was then (did anyone actually drag race in high school for ‘pinks’ in 1978? I hope so).

Everything about Grease is so magic that it should be left alone. Who will ever be able to nerd like Original Jan?

Or transform like Original Sandy?

Or eat a burger like Original Kenickie?

No one. That’s who. No one could be this cool:

So good luck to the cast who will appear in the televised Grease. You’ve got a lot to live up to. I really do wish you the best of luck, and I’m sorry for sounding so snippy. It’s just a sensitive subject. Right, Rizzo?

Right. Chang chang changitty chang shoobop. That’s the way it should be.

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