Gird your glittery loins: Here are 7 problems with glitter sunscreen.


No thank you, please.

Glitter sunscreen is now a thing and it shouldn’t be.

It… it… can’t be good for your bits?

I feel sweaty and uncomfortable just thinking about it.

Here are 7 reasons glitter sunscreen should definitely not be a thing:

1.It would get in your bits.

You know what gets in your bits when you go to the beach? Sand.

You know what else you don’t need in your bits when you go to the beach? Glitter.

Your bits can only handle so many foreign objects hitching a ride home from the beach.

2. It could blind you.

I’m pretty sure putting glitter sunscreen on your face could lead to blindness ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.


Or at the very least an annoying glitter-based eye infection.

3. It’ll get you ejected from the local pool.

You can’t wear glitter to the pool, guys.

If you did a middle-aged woman named Norma would definitely ask you to leave and then you wouldn’t even be able to buy a potato scallop from the kiosk.

4. It would make you sweat.

I want to be real honest here and say that if I were to wear glitter sunscreen I’d turn into a hot, glittery mess. It would not be attractive and I would scare small children as they passed.

5. Glitter pash rash.

If you’re doin’ a kiss with your significant other at a festival or another contestant on an island-based dating show, you’re going to leave evidence… all over their face.

That means a sneaky pash behind the bushes is out of the question.

6. Crime scene evidence.

If you do happen to commit a crime while wearing said glitter sunscreen, you’re going to give yourself away.

There’ll be glitter hand prints, a glittered covered murder weapon, and glitter footprints leaving the scene.

Although it would make for a very flamboyant and fun court case, you’d be going straight to jail.

7. Glitter freakin’ everywhere.

If you wear glitter sunscreen, you’ll be wearing it for years to come. It’ll stick to your clothes, your car, your couch, things you didn’t even own while wearing said glitter.

Wearing glitter sunscreen is like committing to finding lil’ specks of sh**ty glitter all over your belongings for the rest of your goddamn life.

You’ll be stuck in a glitter hell of your own making.