Are you trying to trick a man into falling in love with you?
Well, you have come to the right place! UK Magazine Glamour released an article, “13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard For You” to finally point us in the right direction.
You know how it is. Your man works hard all day long while you sit at home in your rouged cheeks and best frock, waiting until he returns so you can once again have a purpose in life. And if he doesn’t love you yet, it’s not his fault – it’s because you aren’t naked enough! And where’s his cold beer, dammit?
So here it is. Glamour’s
horribly sexist and degrading useful list for you to become a sex robot chef that will trap any free-thinking male into loving your servitude. (Along with some tips of our own.)
13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard For You
(From Glamour magazine. Yes, they actually printed these tips.)
Better yet, hand him other cold things as he steps out of the shower. An ice block. A frozen leg of lamb. A tile from the kitchen floor. If you keep him in a state of constant confusion, he’ll be much more compliant and open for love.
But, if you really love him, it does have to be a gourmet meal. Pork belly in a caramel sauce with a butternut squash purée, beans in almond butter and a toasted bread roll, should be easy to whip up after you have given him an adequate orgasm. Of course, you can’t have any. Nobody loves a greedy lady pig.
Especially if he is at one of those fancy man-office places, where sometimes the emails go through a server so that everyone in his man-office will know how much you care. You don’t have to have a BFF with a PHD in IT to know his CEO would appreciate his 2IC getting CC’d on TMZ emails about GOT.
What stranger DOESN’T want to know that your boyfriend has a big penis? He will love it when you tell his friends about his ability to tie his own shoelaces almost every morning. (Also: If his chest is puffing out and his heart is swelling, just do a quick little checksie that it’s from pride and not life-threatening cardiomegaly. LOLS.)
Even better, open it with your feet while you lie on your back, so that he can walk in and stare straight up your cervix. Especially if you aren’t sure it’s him.
But an open mind isn’t half as attractive as open legs. No matter if you’re at the playground. Just do sex. Often. That’s what he’s there for, amirite guys?
Your petty work problem is an issue with the toaster again, right? Your kitchen-office is so damn cute sometimes. Remember, stop gossiping about what the self-raising flour said to the egg whites when you were baking him pies. He doesn’t care. He can’t hammer that.
Actually, now we think about it, you don’t need to earn points ON the field. You’re a woman, you can’t play sport! So just focus on ‘off the field’. Also, talking about his favourite player’s thighs probably won’t help. Concentrate extra hard to remember the sport-y, man-ish facts, like how many hoops they kicked and all those touch-downs they footballed.
Does he like it when you arrange his food into a smiley face? Does he like it when you cut up his spaghetti and blow on his ouch-hot noodles? Does he like it when you make aeroplane noises with the spoon? Is he seven? Should you really be dating him?
Don’t stop there. If they like you so much they want to touch your boobies, let them! Your man will like it if he knows his friends think you’re sexy. Show them affections, but remember: Don’t say it with your lips, say it with your hips.
But really, should you be sitting down? Shouldn’t you be cleaning something? Does he have a cold beer in his hand? Have you given him a blow job today? Because we all know: a woman’s work is never finished.
A foot rub works just fine if you want to be single for the rest of your life. Happy ending is compulsory, you silly billy! And don’t forget the gourmet meal and cold beer after (not for you, duh).
If you want to up the ante and make him extra weak-at-the-knees, gently tease him about his hairy back or his lack of direction in life or the fact that his mother loves her other son more than him. He’ll love it. And then give him a sexy wedgie and a few cooties as well.
GREAT ADVICE, GLAMOUR.
Thank you for reducing all women to sex-giving, saucepan-wielding slaves, and all men to inconsiderate Neanderthals.
The article has since been taken down – not because they admitted that it was insulting to both women and men, nor because social media went bat-shit crazy about the degrading list of ways women should bend at the knees to serve their slack-jawed, thoughtless male – but probably because Glamour remembered the year is not 1950, it’s 20-f-15 (that’s not a typo, that’s short for two thousand and f*cking fifteen). They acknowledged the huge backlash they received and apologised for ‘slipping off message’.
Don’t worry, Glamour. Women can’t read unless they have a man around to help them, anyway. Right?
Mamamia’s podcast, The Prude and The Pornstar, is all about sex and relationships. Listen to the latest episode below. (Post continues after audio.)
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