Are you trying to trick a man into falling in love with you?
Well, you have come to the right place! UK Magazine Glamour released an article, “13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard For You” to finally point us in the right direction.
You know how it is. Your man works hard all day long while you sit at home in your rouged cheeks and best frock, waiting until he returns so you can once again have a purpose in life. And if he doesn’t love you yet, it’s not his fault – it’s because you aren’t naked enough! And where’s his cold beer, dammit?
So here it is. Glamour’s
horribly sexist and degrading useful list for you to become a sex robot chef that will trap any free-thinking male into loving your servitude. (Along with some tips of our own.)
13 Little Things That Can Make a Man Fall Hard For You
(From Glamour magazine. Yes, they actually printed these tips.)
Better yet, hand him other cold things as he steps out of the shower. An ice block. A frozen leg of lamb. A tile from the kitchen floor. If you keep him in a state of constant confusion, he’ll be much more compliant and open for love.
But, if you really love him, it does have to be a gourmet meal. Pork belly in a caramel sauce with a butternut squash purée, beans in almond butter and a toasted bread roll, should be easy to whip up after you have given him an adequate orgasm. Of course, you can’t have any. Nobody loves a greedy lady pig.
Especially if he is at one of those fancy man-office places, where sometimes the emails go through a server so that everyone in his man-office will know how much you care. You don’t have to have a BFF with a PHD in IT to know his CEO would appreciate his 2IC getting CC’d on TMZ emails about GOT.
What stranger DOESN’T want to know that your boyfriend has a big penis? He will love it when you tell his friends about his ability to tie his own shoelaces almost every morning. (Also: If his chest is puffing out and his heart is swelling, just do a quick little checksie that it’s from pride and not life-threatening cardiomegaly. LOLS.)
Even better, open it with your feet while you lie on your back, so that he can walk in and stare straight up your cervix. Especially if you aren’t sure it’s him.
But an open mind isn’t half as attractive as open legs. No matter if you’re at the playground. Just do sex. Often. That’s what he’s there for, amirite guys?
Your petty work problem is an issue with the toaster again, right? Your kitchen-office is so damn cute sometimes. Remember, stop gossiping about what the self-raising flour said to the egg whites when you were baking him pies. He doesn’t care. He can’t hammer that.