I walk into the laser clinic and stare at the pretty pink pamphlets just left of the receptionist with the glaring white teeth.
I know what I’m there to ask for. I don’t know why I’m pretending. But I’m trying to navigate what’s sure to be one of the most awkward and uncomfortable conversations I’m set to have in my 25 years of life.
I know this pamphlet well because I’ve analysed it before. The front is inconspicuous to the naked eye as it screams “50% off laser hair removal” with a list of typical places you’d expect to receive, well, laser hair removal.
Your embarrassing top lip…
Yet you know what’s on the inside of that pamphlet. They call it the ‘add on menu’ except ‘add on menu’ is simply a ruse for all of the strange and weird places we women have hair but rarely ever, ever talk about. For a mere $10 extra you can take your pick and rest assured your laser technician will judge you for all eternity for wanting to make sure these places are hairless.
As your eyes flick down you look at the words listed in front of you:
Snail trail. Areola. Anus. Bingo.
I feel like I’m holding my first Dolly sealed section as I flush red. Call it what you will, orifice, anus… bum hole. I’m there to get my bum hole lasered. Why you ask? Well not for any of the reasons that would first jump to your mind, I assure you. Simply put I just wanted the back to match the front. I’d recently started having my Brazilian lasered and I thought why not go the whole hog, so to speak.
Yet the problem with having your anus lasered is you have to ask to have your anus lasered. It’s not like going to have a Brazilian wax and the lovely lady who is pouring hot wax on your lady bits simply flings your leg over her shoulder and rips off that back hair before you even have time to blink. It’s much more awkward than that, if that’s even possible.
I proceed to tell the white toothed receptionist that I’d like to prepay some laser sessions. I request five Brazilian sessions before the moment of truth arrives. I’ve practiced this conversation before yet what rolls out of my mouth is nothing like what I had planned.
"The add on menu, do I have to prepay those now or can I do it on the day?" I chicken out. I'm a big huge chicken.