I dread Mother’s Day, and thankfully it’s done now for another year.
It passed by quickly while I laid low in my house, refraining from any social media scrolling, trying not to see happy Mums with their happy babies…and it’s not because I don’t have a wonderful Mother who I want to celebrate, because I do. She is the Bee’s Knees when it comes to Mums and I celebrated her like she deserves.
I glad Mother’s Day is over because I don’t have children. I sound like a bitch, I know, but it is how I feel.
Let me explain; I am childless. I do not have a baby, a child, and I want one. Desperately.
I am infertile.
"I am childless, but I want one so desperately." Image via iStock.
My partner (who also happens to be the Bee’s Knees of partners) and I are one of many couples struggling to conceive. We tried for months and months to conceive naturally. We tried everything we could imagine, Google and physically do to fall pregnant. Pineapple juice helps implantation – so I drank my body weight in it. Warm feet help (so says Google) so I wore my Ugg boots throughout the summer nights. Gravity after sex – check. Doing it in the morning – check. Certain positions – check. The list goes on and on. But it didn’t work. Nothing. Month after month. Nothing.
I have Endometriosis and cysts on my ovaries, so when I found out in my late twenties that falling pregnant would be difficult and I would most likely need fertility treatment it was a hard pill to swallow. It still is, four years later. But fertility treatment is where we are at now, and three cycles in let me tell you there is nothing ‘Bee’s Knees’ about it.
Fertility treatment comes in many forms - none of which are easy, pleasant or cheap. We are going through our third cycle of it and to say that this is the hardest thing either of us has been through is an understatement. Everything about it is heartbreaking, emotionally devastating and just plain shit!
Scroll through to see some celebrities who have also struggled with fertility. Images via Getty.(Post continues after gallery.)
When you want to start a family and you can’t there is a pain in your heart that you cannot shake no matter what else you have to be thankful for. And I have a lot. But, there is nothing more that I want than to hold our baby in my arms for the first time, and to see my future baby daddy doing the same thing. Not one thing do I want more, not even that damn diamond ring for that special finger I have been bugging him about (if you are reading this, it’s a VERY close second…so…..)
We did fall pregnant in March and the feeling was as many people know indescribable; a feeling of overwhelming love, comfort and happiness, which only five days later was ripped away from us when we had a miscarriage and were left feeling empty, alone and overwhelmingly sad. Why? Why did it happen? What have we done to deserve this? What did I do? Could I have done something differently in those five glorious days of knowing that I had our baby inside me? There is no answer, not for us and not for the millions of other women who have to go through something as horrifying as a miscarriage.
Mia Freedman talks about the devastation of miscarriage. (Post continues after video.)
We questioned what to do next. Do we stop, do we keep going, what if it happens again? How on earth could we possibly pick ourselves up from this again? It was then we realised that if it happens again it will be just as tragic, just as scary and leave us just empty as we felt and still feel sometimes as it did the first time. BUT, we can’t let that stop us from moving on and starting over.
For us and the one in eight couples who are infertile and struggling to conceive a baby there is this weird silence and taboo that surrounds infertility and IVF. It is a secret, a strange and silent community that only those unlucky enough have been inducted into. Inside this secret community are thousands upon thousands of heartbroken but strong women (and men) who find it very difficult to open up to their friends and family. And when they do, it is often met with awkwardness. People don’t know what to say to you, they stay silent.
Why? Infertility isn’t contagious, you won’t catch it! I can admit that, until I knew about my infertility, it wasn’t something that I thought about. Sure, when I knew someone was struggling to conceive, had a miscarriage or was on this crazy infertility roller coaster I was empathetic and felt bad for them, but I didn’t go much further than that. If I knew then what I know now I would have grabbed them, hugged them and asked them what I could do for them to make it easier, but I didn’t and I genuinely feel bad about that now.
"Now I'm the one who needs to be hugged." Image via iStock.
Now I am often the one standing there needing to be hugged, or told how much someone is thinking about me or asked how I am doing and what someone could do to make my day a little easier. I hope that the more we know about infertility the louder the voices will be in showing support.
So, back to Mother’s Day. I love my Mum and I celebrated her to the moon and back for being the sensational woman she is. But I also celebrated more than my mum, I celebrated and showed my support for all the FUTURE mums, the Mums who have lost their baby, their child, and those who are in this very confronting secret community of infertility. Because it was most likely a tough one for them to get through.
To all of the ladies working their ovaries off to have a baby. You are strong, brave and I know that the fertility drugs are making you are bloody hormonal mess today. I will be right there on the couch with my block of chocolate going through the same thing.
And to my Mum; there are no words that will ever express my love for you. You are my person x
This post was originally posted on Me Oh My Mum.