We always thought we knew you, Ginger Spice. But we didn’t. We didn’t at all.

The collective screaming of late 90’s tweens can be heard worldwide as Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice, has announced she plans to open a school in London.

Wait, are my 13-year-old self’s dreams turning into a reality? Geri is actually going to be my primary school teacher at the Spice Girl School for Spice Girls? Next thing you know I’ll be waking up tomorrow with a lifetime supply of butterfly clips and Dr Pepper Lipsmackers.

Oh, the feels. All of the feels.

Despite all of our predictions that Ginger Spice would end up a red-headed hybrid of Pamela Anderson and Anna-Nicole Smith, Geri’s done a complete 360 and turned out to be a teacher in a sensible frock instead. Whaaa?

Smarty Spice has declared she wants to open a free school specialising in the arts and business, saying, “I believe in education. It’s an empowering fundamental human right that everyone deserves. Education is a foundation for life.” So true, babes, so true.

But like, a Spice Girl… opening a SCHOOL? I think I must be missing something.

Let’s unpack this very, very confusing situation, shall we.

Ok, so Geri is actually a Secret Fancy Person.

Remember the days when Ginger Spice used to do things like pinch Prince Harry’s bum? Or flash us her undies in a Union Jack PVC dress? Well, rewind the clock a little further, and Geri was a prim schoolgirl of the very fancy Waterford Girl’s Grammar School in Hertfordshire. FACT.

Shield your eyes, my fellow Spice Fans. This is the new Geri Halliwell, Smarty Spice. She has brown hair and wears mum-sunglasses. And poses next to gardens with her husband who wears SENSIBLE POLO SHIRTS.

Geri is also now the mum to a nine-year-old.

Yes, you read that correctly, and yes, you should be feeling old. Geri’s adorable daughter, Bluebell Madonna, is now nineyears old. School age. Not that far from how old you might have been when the Spice Girls first hit the airwaves. (For those who were younger than that, ‘airwaves’ refers to the radio. Radio — a small box that we used to tape our favourite songs from on a cassette. Cassette — oh, this is too hard. Forget it.)

She reckons Maggie Thatcher was the ‘original Spice Girl’.

Um, rude. Have some respect for your craft, G-Haz. Margaret Thatcher was not a Spice Girl. Where were her platform boots? Her peace sign? Her glittery eyeshadow? HER DANCE MOVES? It seems Geri went a little too hard on the solarium during her Yoga Years and is suffering some kind of memory loss. Don’t make us Zigazig-Ah you back into reality, Geri.

Her school will not be Spice Girls themed.

We can confirm that there are no plans to include topics such as ‘Stop Right Now: English 101’, or ‘Spice Up Your Life With Ancient History.’ Sadly, ‘Girl Power: Indoor Soccer’ is also off the list. Like, what the heck are you actually planning on teaching then, Geri?

*Still to be confirmed: Union Jack Dress uniforms and platform school shoes.

Geri won’t be the Spice-Principal. Nor a Spice-Teacher.

Confusingly, Geri’s Spice School will comprise traditionally trained teachers, and not overseen by Principal Scary Spice as we assumed. (Which is a crying shame because honestly if you watched Spice World The Movie you would see that Mel B is a born leader and a very enigmatic and enthusiastic peer to her fellow Spice Girls, OK?).

Rather, Geri will be a financial backer and project manager of the proposed school, which — if accepted — will open in 2018.

Adult students are not being considered.

What, you thought your were the only one to think of that? You weren’t. Apparently my application in 2018 as a 30-year-old primary school student will NOT be accepted. Bit rich, Geri, considering your maths skills turned out porkies like ‘2 Become 1’. Who let you open a school.

So there you have it.

The world has gone mad: a Spice Girl is opening a school, the guy who owned Miss America is running for President of the United States, and bacon gives you cancer.

BYE.