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Mamamia recaps Game of Thrones: Well. That was... a mess.

Warning: This post contains A LOT of spoilers for Game of Thrones season 8 episode 5. If you’re not caught up on the latest episode, bookmark us and come back once you’re ready to properly debrief.

Oh boy.

There’s just two weeks to go of Game of Thrones and we all know where things are going now.

It’s about to get… painful.

Very painful.

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
Look, we're already at a six on the pain scale and it's only going to get worse.

We open on Varys writing a scroll about Jon Snow's true parentage and we really don't like where this is going.

Seriously, can nobody keep a goddamn secret on this show?

Jon Snow finally arrives from Winterfell and Varys attempts to get him on his side but Jon is having none of it.

"I don't want it. I never have," he says. "SHE is MY Queen."

Since Missandei was killed by Cersei, Daenerys hasn't left her chambers or accepted food. She's convinced Jon betrayed her and well, she's not wrong.

Tyrion enters Daenerys' chambers and goodness, her braids haven't looked this bad since season two. This is not a good sign.

She tells Tyrion that she thinks Jon told the Stark kids about his parents but Tyrion convinces her otherwise by putting the blame on poor ol' Varys.

Just moments later, Varys is taken outside to the murder beach where Daenerys is waiting with Drogon. He's been sentenced to death.

"I hope I deserve this, truly I do. I hope I'm wrong. Goodbye old friend," Varys says.

In just seconds, Varys is dead.

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
Jon looked... disgusted.
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Back inside, Daenerys tells Jon that she's feeling insecure because the people don't love her like they love him.

"I love you, you will always be my Queen," Jon tells her.

They start to kiss but something's not quite right. It's... awkward.

"Alright then," Dany says. "Let it be fear." This is not going to end well.

Later on, Daenerys meets with Greyworm and Tyrion in the Dragonstone throne room. Tyrion attempts to stop Daenerys from burning King's Landing to the ground but she's not having it.

As she tells Greyworm to prepare the troops, she admits that she has captured Jaime who is trying to return to Cersei.

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"The next time you fail me will be the last time you fail me," she tells Tyrion.

Wait.

Something far more important is happening.

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
I SCREAM EVERY TIME ARYA IS ON THE SCREEN.

Arya Stark and the Hound have reached their final destination on their murder road trip. They're here to take down Queen Cersei, b*tch.

Honestly, these are the only characters I care about anymore. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Let's just forget about all this Mad Queen sh*t and have an Arya and the Hound spin off show, pls.

Elsewhere, Tyrion enters Jaime's cell, where he's tied up against a post.

"Cersei once told me I was the stupidest Lannister," Jaime says and look, for once, Cersei is kind of right.

I mean, seriously, WHY DID YOU LEAVE BRIENNE?

Tyrion tells Jaime that he has a plan to get Cersei and Jaime out of King's Landing alive to start a new life with their child.

Wait. Okay, I'm sorry, but this is just... a mess.

Why is Tyrion trying to save Cersei when she has tried to kill him SO MANY TIMES? THIS MAKES ZERO SENSE. I get saving Jaime. But Cersei? Nope, Tyrion is actually the stupidest Lannister.

Tyrion and Jaime have a tearful goodbye and now I'm infuriated AND crying.

via GIPHY

So. Many. Emotions.

Back on the ocean, pirate man Euron and his men are preparing for war. They're getting ready to kill Drogon.

Inside the walls of King's Landing, the Lannister soldiers are preparing by moving the civilians into their homes. The gates to the city are about to close and Arya, the Hound and Jaime are among the many people trying to get into the city.

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The gates close and we can't see any of them. It's... terrifying.

Oh wait.

WE FOUND THEM.

Arya and the Hound made it into the gates at the last second but Jaime isn't quite so lucky.

Oh sh*t.

We're back on the water and Euron and the Iron Fleet are looking up at the sky.

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
DROGON IS COMING.

It's silent... which means things are definitely about to get intense.

He's here. I REPEAT, DROGON IS HERE.

God dammit, we really believed that theory about Drogon reappearing with his baby dragons, but okay.

Drogon and Dany start burning down all the ships and Euron narrowly escapes.

They really messed with the wrong dragon this time.

Over at the entrance to King's Landing, Daenerys' army and the Golden Company are facing off but before the fighting can even begin, Drogon explodes through the gates of King's Landing from the inside, destroying almost the entirety of the Golden Company.

We feel like we should be cheering for Daenerys but she just MURDERED A HORSE.

WAS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO SEE THAT HORSE DIE?

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
Why is this guy the only character from the Golden Company with a name though?
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Harry a.k.a the only character from the Golden Company who gets a name survives the blast, but in seconds, he's speared from behind by Greyworm. Yes Greyworm, get your revenge.

The remaining Dothraki ride through the entrance to King's Landing, chopping off heads as they go. Up above, Daenerys is showering the men below with fire and yep, she's gone full blown Mad Queen.

Is this why they got rid of Ghost? So they could have the budget for all of this fire?

Meanwhile, Jon, Greyworm and Davos stand at the front of the soldiers from the North. As Drogon and Dany fly above the civilians, the Lannister soldiers decide to surrender.

Oh, this is bad. This is very very bad.

The bell has been rung and Cersei's supporters have surrendered but Daenerys just won't stop.

She's mowing the soldiers and civilians down like she's mowing the lawn and can someone please tell me how a character can change THIS MUCH in just a few episodes?

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Despite the surrender, Greyworm picks up his spear and starts killing Lannister soldiers.

Jon yells at Daenerys' supporters to stop and stay back, but they join Greyworm on his killing spree, murdering hundreds of innocent civilians.

Meanwhile, Jaime has arrived to rescue Cersei from the Red Keep but before he can get to her, he's met with pirate man.

Euron brags about sleeping with Cersei and please, we don't want to know.

Euron and Jaime start fighting and Euron tackles Jaime to the ground, almost choking him to death before stabbing him.

Jaime, sweetie. You could have stayed with Brienne. YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL OF THIS. But now you're here. And this is what you get.

LISTEN: Claire Murphy and Holly Wainwright discuss everything that happened on Game Of Thrones Season 8, Episode 5: 

Jaime is mortally wounded but he manages to deliver the last blow to Euron.

"I am the man who killed Jaime Lannister," Euron says before he dies.

Inside the Red Keep, Arya and the Hound have arrived to kill Cersei but Sandor encourages Arya to leave.

"You come with me, you die here," the Hound tells her.

"Sandor," Arya responds. "Thank you."

Just moments later, the Hound emerges ahead of Cersei and the Mountain.

CLEGANEBOWL. IT'S HAPPENING.

"Hello, big brother," the Hound says as the Mountain takes his helmet off.

They're gonna do it. They're gonna fight.

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
The Mountain without his helmet looks like... Varys,
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Qyburn tries to stop the Mountain but he throws him to the ground, killing him. Cersei scurries off and the fight begins. As she runs away, she finds Jaime. He's dying.

Elsewhere in King's Landing, Arya is running through the city and it's horrifying how much damage has been done. Hundreds of innocent people are burnt and dead. Honestly, it's all a bit messed up.

Oh sh*t.

Arya's been knocked to the ground and she can't get up.

Luckily, a woman helps her to her feet.

Meanwhile, the Hound is close to dying himself. He stabs his brother repeatedly but he just won't die. COME ON, DAMMIT.

The Mountain picks the Hound up by the eyes and suddenly my eyes are stinging.

At the last second, the Hound pounces on the Mountain and they fall from the tower, both dying in the fire.

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap
THANK GOD.

We're back to Arya and she's covered in blood and ash but she's alive.

She finds a group of civilians and tells them they have to keep moving.

She runs away with a mother and daughter in tow, but in minutes, they're all erupted in flames. I'M SWEATING. WHERE IS ARYA?

Oh no.

That sad piano music is back and we're down in the crypts.

Jaime and Cersei are about to die together, just like they entered the world together.

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"Don't let me die Jaime," she tells him. "I want our baby to live. I don't like this."

They hug and they die together as the crypts collapse around them.

Wait. That's it?

That's how Cersei Lannister is going to die?

Are you telling me I've wasted hours of my life just to watch Cersei die in the arms of her incestual lover. I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER, PLEASE. THIS IS NOT WHAT I ORDERED.

via GIPHY

I am UNSATISFIED.

We wanted Jaime TO KILL CERSEI.

Heck, we even wanted Arya wearing Jaime's face to kill Cersei. That did not meet my expectations.

Pause.

Arya Stark is still alive.

They better not kill her now or I swear to god, I'm calling the police.

She finds the bodies of the mother and daughter she tried to save and they're dead. But in the distance, a lone white horse in approaching. (Can we pretend that this is the horse from the beginning of the episode so I can stop crying over it? Thanks.)

game of thrones season 8 episode 5 recap

Arya comforts the horse and they ride away into the distance.

Daenerys' vision is coming true. But this time, it's going to be different.

Arya Stark is starting a new list – and this time, Daenerys Targaryen is on it.

Catch up on all our Game of Thrones recaps, right here:

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