Warning: This recap contains A LOT of spoilers for Game of Thrones season 8 episode 4. If you’re not caught up on the latest episode, bookmark us and come back once you’re ready to properly debrief.

Shhh.

Game of Thrones is back for yet another week and there’s good news.

You see, we actually don’t need night vision goggles to watch this episode. Thank god.

We open on Winterfell at the biggest funeral in Game of Thrones history and it’s… traumatic.

Sansa is saying goodbye to Theon and Dany is saying goodbye to Jorah and FFS, I’m already far too emotional to deal with all of this.

But there’s a positive.

Somehow, against all odds, Ghost is alive. I REPEAT GHOST IS ALIVE.

This is all I have been waiting for all week. We can go home now.

Once the funeral wraps up, everyone heads back inside for a feast and wait a second, where the heck did all this food and wine come from?!

THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ARE DEAD.

Gendry has arrived and he's looking for Arya in the Great Hall.

"You can still smell the burning bodies and you're thinking of that," The Hound asks Gendry and look, he's got a fair point.

Gendry heads over to ask Tormund if he's seen Arya but before he can ask, Daenerys calls him over.

She holds him accountable for Robert Baratheon's Targaryen killing spree and decides to legitimise him on the spot as the official heir of Storm's End.

"You are Lord Gendry, the lawful son of Robert Baratheon because that is what I have made you," she says.

Okay, we get it, Gendry deserved that, but is no one going to congratulate Arya? Seriously, NONE OF YOU WOULD BE HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR HER.

Meanwhile, Bran is sitting in the corner being creepy as sh*t as usual and far out, how many times do we need to tell you, Bran.

You. Need. A. Hobby.

I swear to god, if they finish this episode without telling us what the hell Bran was actually doing in last week's episode, I'm going to lose my sh*t.

Back in the Great Hall, Daenerys finally acknowledges that they'd all be dead if it wasn't for Arya, who quite frankly deserves the Iron Throne.

"To Arya Stark, the hero of Winterfell," she announces as the room erupts into cheers.

To be honest, we were kind of expecting a reaction more like this for taking down the Night King and the entirety of the undead, but okay.

We never got a scene with all of the North greeting Arya Stark like this and I feel cheated tbh. #GameofThrones #GoT pic.twitter.com/kxdFrEqdNt

— Patrick Quaife (@pquaife) May 6, 2019

Even Jon Snow, who did precisely nothing during the Battle of Winterfell, gets more of a reaction.

"He's little but he's strong," Tormund yells and um, are these short jokes against poor Kit Harington ever going to end?

"What kind of person hops on a dragon, a mad man or a king," he adds.

Unbeknownst to Jon, Daenerys storms off in a huff. She's pissed.

Meanwhile in the pub Winterfell, Jaime, Tyrion, Brienne and Podrick are playing Never Have I Ever and why does it always feel like we're at a slumber party when we're with this group?!

Things get awkward when Tyrion asks Brienne if she's a virgin, but before she can excuse herself from the conversation, drunk Tormund gets in her way. She walks off with Jaime following her and drunk Tormund runs off to cry to The Hound who gives precisely zero f*cks.

#GameofThrones

Tormund: mY hEaRt Is BrOkEn

The hound: pic.twitter.com/EVkpmF0cJr

— steph (@stephen_idz) May 6, 2019

Meanwhile in Winterfell, Gendry has finally found Arya who is shooting arrows outside. Oh god, they're going to do it again aren't they? I CAN'T WATCH. SHE'S LIKE MY LITTLE SISTER.

Gendry announces his new found title and kisses her. "I don't know how to be lord of anything. I hardly know how to use a fork," he says. "All I know is I love you, and none of it will be worth anything if you're not with me."

Gendry gets down on his knees and proposes and erm, he's moving a bit fast with this but we're kind of okay with it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Arya kisses him but she decides to refuse his offer. "I'm not a lady, I never have been. That's not me," she explains.

Wait.

Jaime has gone to see Brienne and suddenly they're taking each other's clothes off.

GUYS. IT'S HAPPENING.

"I've never slept with a knight before," Jaime says. "I've never slept with anyone before," Brienne responds.

They start kissing and I feel like I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. Jaime is finally having sex with someone other than his sister (ew). I'M SO PROUD.

Meanwhile in Winterfell, Jon and Dany are kissing by the fire when Jon suddenly looks a lil' bit grossed out. Um, has it only just dawned on Jon that Dany is his aunty?

Jon tells Dany that he wants to tell Sansa and Arya about his true identity but she's not having any of it. She demands Jon keep it a secret from his siblings.

Man, imagine regularly sleeping with your nephew but caring more about who gets to sit on a goddamn chair. This show is whack.

The next morning, we open on the strategy room and Daenerys and her advisers are finally discussing how to take down Cersei.

If they can take out a weird zombie demigod, I'm sure a pregnant woman and her new pirate boyfriend won't pose much of a threat, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Once the meeting wraps up, the Stark kids take Jon outside for a word in the weirwood.

They tell him they don't trust his GF and they're not sure if they can back her.

But wait. Jon is going to tell them. After pleading with them to keep his secret, Jon instructs Bran to tell Arya and Sansa that he's really Ageon Targaryen.

ARYA SANSA BRAN GANGING UP ON DANY #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/DKj0OPszHR

— dio ✵ (@staracarys) May 6, 2019

Elsewhere in Winterfell, Tyrion is asking Jaime what Brienne is like... down there and err, please don't tell me brothers actually talk about this stuff. Gross.

Suddenly, they're interrupted by Bronn, who sits opposite them with the crossbow Tyrion used to kill Tywin Lannister. It's... intense.

They cut a deal that's better than the one Cersei offered Bronn and Jaime and Tyrion walk away with their heads intact. For now at least.

Pause.

Something far more important is happening.

The Hound and Arya are leaving Winterfell on horseback. Yep, they're going on a murder road trip to King's Landing.

Meanwhile, Tormund arrives to bid farewell to Jon as he jokes that Jon weighs "as much as two fleas f*cking" and seriously, again with the short jokes? SOMEBODY PLEASE GET KIT HARINGTON'S AGENT.

Jon asks Tormund to take Ghost with him and I'm sorry, what?

First they cut elephants from the CGI budget and now the wolves too? This is some bullsh*t.

To make matters worse, Jon doesn't even say goodbye to Ghost.

HOW COULD YOU JON?

EXCUSE ME, HE'S CRYING. GHOST DESERVES BETTER THAN THIS.

THAT WAS NOT THE FAREWELL GHOST DESERVED. HE IS THE BESTEST BOI!!! #GameOfThrones pic.twitter.com/23JxvPqZu0

— Kaitlyn Gruber (@KGrubey) May 6, 2019

Jon also says goodbye to Sam and Gilly, who announce they're pregnant again. "If it's a boy, we want to name him Jon," Gilly says and uh, DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT HE DID? HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT.

Meanwhile, on one of the ships heading to King's Landing underneath the watchful eye of the dragons, Tyrion and Varys are discussing Dany and Jon.

The problem? They know.

In just hours, Sansa has snitched and shared Jon's secret with Tyrion.

Tyrion suggests that they should marry Jon and Dany but Varys knows that Dany wouldn't want to rule with anyone else. Not even Jon.

"We still have to take King’s Landing. Maybe Cersei will win and kill us all," Tyrion says. "That would solve our problems."

Well, he's not wrong.

Clare Stephens and Holly Wainwright debrief on the latest episode of Game of Thrones on the Mamamia Recaps podcast. Post continues after audio…

Pause.

WHAT THE F*CK.

DRAGON DOWN. I REPEAT, DRAGON DOWN.

Cersei's pirate boyfriend has shot down Rhaegal with gigantic arrows and I AM NOT OKAY. Why is this episode so mean to all the animals?

Euron and his men turn and aim their arrows at Dany's ship and where is Arya when you need her?!

The screen turns to black and moments later, we see Tyrion, Varys and Greyworm among dozens more men as they wash up on the shore alive.

But there's a problem – Greyworm can't find Messandei. She's been taken prisoner by Cersei and Euron.

Up in the Red Keep, Cersei has just told Euron he's the father of her baby and he can't contain his excitement. Ugh.

Back in Winterfell, Sansa updates Brienne and Jaime on what went down in King's Landing. But later that night, Brienne wakes up and finds Jaime has left her bed. He's run off to pack his bags and prepare his horse.

Brienne is crying and she pleads with Jaime to stay but he's got one thing on his mind – Cersei

"You're a good man," Brienne says. "Stay here. Stay with me."

"She's hateful, and so am I," he responds as he rides out into the night.

FFS. Tormund never would have played Brienne like that.

via GIPHY

Back in King's Landing, Dany is finally facing Cersei and her alleged pirate baby daddy.

Qyburn and Tyrion approach each other and they both demand a surrender but neither Cersei or Dany will comply.

Eventually, Tyrion gives up on talking to Qyburn and decides to talk to Cersei himself.

"You’ve always loved your children more than yourself, more than Jaime, more than anything," he says.

"Your reign is over. It doesn’t mean your life has to end. It doesn’t mean your baby has to die."

For a moment, it looks like Cersei might comply. But that's not who she is.

She turns to Missandei and asks if she has any last words.

"Dracarys!" she yells.

Just moments later, The Mountain cuts off her head.

Things are about to get ugly.

Me on the phone with the Game of Thrones writers after watching Arya reject Gendry, Jon getting rid of Ghost, Jaime leaving Brienne for Cersei, Rhaegal and Missandei getting killed and Dany starting to go mad all in the same episode #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/BgFB7MhXmk

— Damilare Eluwole (@mikedyrated) May 6, 2019

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