Kids are hilarious, whether they intend to be or not. As parents, we are constantly entertained by the funny things our kids get up to – from their awkward oversharing with strangers to their ability to latch onto any swear word we mutter in traffic.
I asked my mum village about the most inappropriate things their kids have done and it’s official – kids do the darnedest and most horrifyingly hilarious things.
Here are the funniest ones from my life and the people I know:
I feel for posties, I do. All they want is a signature on delivery and they end up getting a biology lesson from a toddler. Erin’s nearly three-year-old daughter told the postie that, “Mumma has huge nipples and I have little ones” while last week my two-year-old son rushed to the door to proudly announce, “I have a doodle like dad but mum has a wa-gina”.
Helen tells me her five-year old was devastated when he left a birthday party and realised he hadn’t capitalised on the opportunity to overshare/embarrass his parents. As they were getting in the car he said, “Oh no, I forgot to tell Evan that dad has diarrhoea”. Because dad would totally want everyone to know. Which brings me to…
They’re obsessed with poo.
It seems our children’s fascination with bum emissions is universal. I recently read about a little girl in Missouri who insisted on having a poop-themed birthday party. Her mum even dressed up as a poo-emoji.
My son recently told me his bum was itchy. After an email from kinder informing me that worms were going around, I knew something was up. It turns out worms are highly contagious and can be spread through any of the sharing activities that are so important in childhood, from direct contact when playing sport to sharing toys with friends.
YIKES. Call in the reinforcements – I got him some worm-busting Combantrin. After his initial dose, he told anyone who would listen that, “Worms were living in my bum but mum turned them into butterflies and they flew out in a fart.”
They march to their own drum.
I’ve tried my best to let my kids lead the way in terms of what they wear and play with. Last weekend, my two-year-old son was invited to a superhero party. He couldn’t wait to get kitted out in a Spider-Man outfit but as we were heading out the door he said, “Mum, you forgot my wings”.
He ran back inside and put on his lilac fairy wings because why would you be Spider-Man when you can be Spider-Fairy? At the party the face painter asked if he wanted a Spider-Man face to match his outfit. He looked at her as if that was the most ridiculous assumption on earth and said, “No, I want flowers with glitter.” Because obviously.
They have no filter.
We’ve all had that cringe-worthy moment when our little one says something completely offensive just loud enough for the person they’re insulting to hear. It seems to be a kid’s rite of passage to see an overweight man and ask, “Does that man have a baby in his belly?”. Never happy to do things by halves, my kid took it a step further when he saw a rotund man at the supermarket and proclaimed loudly, “Mum, I think he’s got twins in there.”
Teacher Stephanie will never forget the day she was asked by a seven-year-old student if her parents were dead. When she inquired as to why the little girl would think that she was told, “Because you’re old Miss.” Better get that Botox Steph, 33 is ancient.
The “you’re old” proclamations are a common one. When visiting her great-grandmother at an aged care facility, six-year-old Ivy announced loudly to the packed common room that she felt sorry for all the people living there because, “You’re all going to die soon.” Way to lift their spirits Ivy.
They love to swear.
I will never understand why my kids can’t hear me screaming for them to come to dinner but can hear every whispered profanity. About six months ago while driving my kids to swimming lessons, a truck cut me off. Before I knew it I had muttered, “f—king truck”. The next day while scooting to our local café, my two-year-old pointed to a semi-trailer and said, “Look, it’s a f—king truck!” I would love to tell you that he just calls them trucks now but I’d be lying.
It seems I’m not the only parent failing to teach my kids the Queen’s English. My friend Erin’s three-year-old daughter was at a hardware store with her dad when she yelled “Hey dad, you douchebag!” across three packed aisles.
Life is certainly never dull when there are kids around. There’s always an F-bomb or a bodily function to keep you on your toes. Thanks for the laughs, kids. Keep them coming!
This content was created with thanks to our brand partner Combantrin®.
Holiday care, kids’ sports and school environments are all ideal breeding grounds for worms. While they are easy for kids to pick up and be spread through human contact, they might come back again – and that’s OK! It’s easy to be prepared with COMBANTRIN® and COMBANTRIN®-1 products at hand to ensure the whole family is worm free. Available in both tasty chocolate squares and orange-flavoured tablets, COMBANTRIN® can effectively treat worms.
COMBANTRIN® is Australia’s most trusted worming brand.*
More information can be found at www.combantrin.com.au.
* Aztec sales ANZ pharmacy grocery MAT 21/05/2017.
Always read the label. Use only as directed. If symptoms persist, see your health care professional. ® Trade mark.