The parenting lessons you won't find in a baby book.

1. Parents who tell you their kids ‘always sleep right through’ are pure dicks.

2. After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic.

3. Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike.

4. Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son’s first actual turd.

5. I’ve forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like.

"I've forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like." Image via iStock.

6. Nappy rash can seem worse than it is - my son's rump looked like The Rolling Stones logo all week but he was fine.

7. Nothing makes you feel more middle class than a baby massage class.

8. Shouting 'COOL DOWN YOU BASTARD' at a bowl of baby porridge has little or no effect.

9. Failure to tie both ends of the bag inside the nappy bin properly will result in a world of hurt for you and your family.

10. I'd rather do my tax return on a roller coaster than look after twins with a hangover.

11. ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ is a truly terrible song. They probably use it in Guantanamo Bay.

Sam Avery with his children. Image supplied.

12. No matter how long you wait, the bathroom doesn't start to self-clean itself like white people with dreadlocks tell you their hair does.

13. A baby's neck-folds is a legitimate place to check for lost property.

14. A 6 month old can kick you hard enough in the knackers to doubt you’ll ever give them more siblings.

15. Whoever designed babies is a dick. "I know! When they need to sleep really badly I'll programme them to get incredibly angry so that sleep is impossible!”

16. I love my kids more than anything in the world.

17. I’d love them a little bit more if they'd stop shitting in the bath.

What is a parenting lesson you were never prepared for? 

This post originally appeared on Sam Avery's 4am Feed.