1. Parents who tell you their kids ‘always sleep right through’ are pure dicks.
2. After seven hours straight with babies it’s REALLY difficult to talk to another adult without wanting to squeeze their cheeks and make noises like a lunatic.
3. Reflux causes more delays than a Tube strike.
4. Opening picture messages from your wife should be done discretely as they may contain a photo of your son’s first actual turd.
5. I’ve forgotten what the bottom of our laundry basket looks like.