A disgruntled father has listed his kids’ pram on ebay — and the listing description is, hands down, the best you’ll ever read.
“This was purchased against my wishes many years ago as I never wanted any children and a buggy signified my wife’s intent to have children,” the dad, from Southampton in the UK, begins.
“We argued much and this buggy signifies everything that ended my happy, carefree lowcost childfree life.”
That pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the description, which goes on to recall how the pram has “had pretty much every bodily fluid known to science” spilled upon it during its years on earth.
The whole thing is gold. Read for yourself:
“Here we have for sale the green monster that can only be Phil and Teds. I shall be glad to see it leave my premises and never return.
“This was purchased against my wishes many years ago as I never wanted any children and a buggy signified my wife’s intent to have children. We argued much and this buggy signifies everything that ended my happy carefree low cost child free life.
This buggy clearly meant she intended to have not just one but multiple children and the extortionate price of this buggy will stay imprinted on my brain till the day I die. I have bought cars that cost less than this buggy. My dad once bought a house that cost less than this buggy.
“Anyway as you can tell I hate the buggy. I now have 3 children, and a Labrador and am forced to endure the school run where women I dont know try and discuss the price of centre parc holidays, and the benefits of the micro over the mini micro scooter. To summarize my life is over and this green albatross needs to go round some other poor sods neck.
“On the positive none of my three children were stupidly fat, but its been driven by my wife a lot so not all good. During its lifetime its had pretty much every bodily fluid known to science, (and several that have yet to be discovered) chucked over it by my children, Its also absorbed its own weight in Ellas Kitchen meals, and mud.”
Pretty great, yes? But wait, there’s more:
“I have tried to maintain this item as best I could and the wheels were filled with green slime to prevent punctures, and WD40 has been used with gusto on the relevant parts. It even comes with what I lovingly refer to as the Cinderella attachment for the second child you have but dont love as much as the first. It means they can sit but cant see anything, and have a ride thats about as comfortable as a Ford Model T.
“All of my children are now walking (often in completely the wrong direction) but someone else deserves to give this a good home. Over the years I have collected spare bits from other zombified fathers who were once full of life and I will throw these in as well.
“According to the other half she has the baby carry item that came with this and the pannier bags (whatever they are) but she never used them and they are immaculate and will be listed when she conquers her fear of heights and gets into the loft.
“This buggy has never been used for dog sledding, racing, or buggy bumper cars, although I once used it to concuss a randy Alsatian that tried getting amorous with my lab.
“There are many adverts on here for immaculate models and these people are all liars and scoundrels as nothing that comes into contact with a young child is ever immaculate.
“So for a starting price of just £9.99 you too can screw up your life. There are programs for those of you who need to recover from drugs or alcohol. Any money generated from this sale will be used to help me recover from children (and probably involve drugs and alchohol)
“So spend big – it’s for a good cause…”
The listing has now gone viral — a fact that the seller has jokingly embraced.
” I now have the honour of joining that elusive club which includes that strange lady that made a dress out of loombands, and the bloke who sold a piece of toast that looked like the face of Jesus,” the seller wrote in the Q&A section of his ebay listing after the story began doing the rounds of The Internets.
” I feel like going back to my careers officer at school and showing him this to prove he was oh-so-wrong about me…”
Round of applause, people. This is parenting comedy done right.
Related content: A woman is selling her uterus on ebay.