OK FINE: Here’s my day on a plate. 

Last Sunday, nutritionist and author Lola Berry shared her ‘Day on a Plate’ with The Sydney Morning Herald

There were activated almonds (I don’t know what they… are). There were turmeric lattes. There were a few squares of dark chocolate which had me asking who the hell can eat only a few squares of chocolate? 

The Day on a Plate formula is iconic.

Pete Evans’ included alkalised water, emu meatballs, liver pate and chia and buckwheat bread. Therese Kerr, mother of Australian supermodel Miranda Kerr, was a big fan of homemade kefir (?), reverse osmosis water and certified organic salmon.

And that’s fine. I don’t know what just about any of that is but it’s fine. 

LISTEN: The Day On A Plate that has everyone talking. Post continues below. 

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But in the interests of balance, I’ve decided to finally – after request after request – share my very own Day on a Plate.

[Note: Literally no one has ever asked me to share my Day on a Plate.]

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6am: Obviously still asleep

7am: Never been more asleep in my entire life

7:45am: Abruptly awoken by obnoxious alarm that has ruined my day before it’s even begun

7:47am: Eventually come to terms with a) what day it is b) where I am and c) that I needed to get out of bed 15 minutes ago

7:50am: Start the day with meditative self-loathing Facebook session, where I compare my worst self with everyone else’s best self

Jessie Stephens
My very own Day on a Plate. Image supplied.

8:15am: No time to eat, too frazzled and also resentful towards day ahead

8:22am: Take gulp of cultured air, infused with pollution, car exhaust and stranger's farts while en route to work

9:31am: Inject coffee directly into eyeball

9:57am: Sip on a glass of  H20 infused water with wet particles of oxidane and cubes of ice, along with a piece of free-range homemade crunchy bread (like when 'home' means 'factory') with vege... raw yeast extract marinated in Vitamin B1, B2 and B3

11:02am: Inject coffee into veins

12:46pm: See opened bag of salt infused chips in the work kitchen, and eat seven and a half before muttering something to myself while mouth still full about, "don't, it'll spoil your lunch..."

12:48pm: Return to work kitchen, forget why, and eat 12 more chips

1:20pm: Plan on eating kale salad, with activated pistachios, olives, dried cherries, argan oil, sauteed broccoli, liver pate, emu meatballs, chia, acai, jdjfd, nvduevfnkhk and a cup of ginger infused black detox smoothie, mixed with Pete Evans' sweat. While imagining, look down at my desk and discover I am three quarters of the way through a chicken burrito

3:02pm: Look at clock, realise it's time for afternoon snack - the most important meal of the day. Lick chocolate wrapper slowly, then eat precisely 17 squares of milk chocolate. Only stop because it's taken away from me

5:39pm: Drink carbonated water, brewed with caramel colour, aspartame, caffeine, potassium benzoate and phosphoric acid - which goes by the street name 'Diet Coke'

7:45pm: Dinner time, which is never eaten off a plate. It's eaten out of a plastic container purchased from the local Thai place. I have chicken pad see yew, carefully eating around the broccoli.

Nutritionist says...

Just... no. 

Stranger's farts is NOT an ideal breakfast, and when you talk about raw yeast extract marinated in Vitamin B1, B2 and B3, you're simply referring to Vegemite. I can see straight through that.

There is no such thing as free-range bread, and you can't call it homemade if you know it was made in a factory.

PLEASE stop injecting coffee into your orifices. It's not healthy.

You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. 

I'm glad you were honest about the chips in the kitchen, but seriously, show some self-restraint.

Which brings me to the burrito situation. You obviously feel some guilt about your lunch, given you spent far more time writing down what you imagined you'd have. Also, please never have a salad with Pete Evans' sweat in it. That just isn't... right.

Furthermore, your afternoon snack is NOT the most important meal of the day. That's ridiculous. Please don't eat 17 squares of chocolate just because you're bored.

Jesus.

I'm not going to comment on the Diet Coke because it's all just too much.

Your dinner sucks and you should be eating things off a plate. Please don't eat around broccoli. You're an adult.

WHAT DOES YOUR DAY ON A PLATE LOOK LIKE? 

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