This week, Vogue decided to publish a whole article about how great under-eye bags are.
Yes, I’m being serious.
According to their beauty team, the dark circles under our eyes lend some kind of Parisian nonchalance to our faces, and we should avoid trying to cover them.
“Rumpled waves and roomy silk ensembles aside, the real appeal of their romantic nonchalance is all in their gaze, which tends to feature a touch of darkness around the eyes that is embraced instead of masked.” – Vogue.
Apparently, dark circles are ‘romantic’.
Um, the last time I rocked out the no-make-up, dark-bags-under-my-eyes look, I got asked if I was feeling alright. In a very non-romantic way.
Everything I know about beauty I learned from Vogue.
And the ultimate in Vogue beauty law? Make up should be minimal. If possible – non existent.
C’mon, you know the articles. The beauty write-ups that convince us – almost – that all you need is a swipe of lipgloss and a subtly curled eyelash to achieve the girlish beauty we all desire.
Or maybe just a dab of facial balm on your eyelids. Or just a whisper of blush on your cheeks. Oh heck, just crack a smile and you will look like you’ve just been frolicking into a field of daisies after 75 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Well, I’m calling bull$hit.
Those magazines are big fat liars. The women in the world who can actually get away with wearing nothing more than a swipe of lipgloss, or a dab of blush, or a softly curled lash are extremely rare and/or pubescent.
The rest of us? We need some bloody help.
Whether it’s dark bags under our eyes, pasty skin, sunspots, or ruddy complexions; we all have our cross to bear as age, stress, and the hole in the ozone layer start to take their toll on our skin. The natural glow the beauty mags so love to embrace was left somewhere around the age of puberty.
Normal women are tired. Normal women are washed out. Normal women get pimples. Normal women need make up.
Summer is the worst for conjuring up a similar beauty myth: ‘effortless summer skin.’
Erm — if I want to muster up some kind of dewy complexion in summer, I’m looking at a spray tan, foundation, concealer, bronzer, blush, shimmering eyeshadow, mascara, contact lens, and a hefty air-conditioning unit to stop my face from sweating off all of the above.
I know plenty of women who wear no make up and look unreal. But I also know plenty of women who aren’t afraid to say that they feel better about themselves with a bit of bronzer, some sneaky foundation, or a flick of eyeliner. And that’s OK.
As far as I’m concerned, I’m totally down with Holiday Skin coming in a bottle from Dove, and fresh eyes? I’m pretty sure that’s the name of my concealer. I’m OK with admitting my after-shag hair usually looks like a birds nest, whilst my version of kissed glow is also called sunburn.
Vogue can take their high-brow beauty tips elsewhere, because my make-up bag contains a helluva lot more than just lipgloss, folks.