And never have to deal with. Never. Ever.
We all get excited for those famous firsts in our children’s lives: their first word, first step, first day of school. But there are some firsts that you wish never happened.
1. First blowout diaper. In public. When you have two wipes left in the diaper bag.
2. First time your child lies down screaming on the floor in a big store and refuses to get up. Probably because she wanted to pick the shopping cart and you chose the wrong one.
3. First poop in the bathtub. Bonus points if this occurs while you’re bathing other siblings at the same time.
4. First attempt at explaining to a preschooler what a tampon is. He found one in your purse, and he just won’t stop asking “why.”
5. First night cleaning vomit out of bed sheets (and carpet, and clothing, and hair...).
6. First time your kids miss the school bus. Your only chance at a shower disappeared along with the bus vanishing over the horizon. Now you have time to either brush your teeth or change out of your pajama pants before driving your kids to school -- but not both.
7. First maths homework that you honestly can't help with because you don't understand a word of it. It'll happen sooner than you think it will.
8. First phone call from another parent about something awful your child did. This call will come precisely at a time when you're already feeling like a walking parenting fail, and it will really make your day. Trust me.
9. First time finding a dried booger on the wall. Of course your child won't admit to picking her nose or to wiping it on the wall. At least she didn't eat it.
10. First time you realise that your parents were right. About everything. And as predicted by your mother, you see that you've ended up with a child exactly like you were.
What can you add to the list? Anything we've missed?
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This post originally appeared on Huffington Post.