You’d have a hell of a time if you ever dared to crawl through the recesses of a first-time mother’s brain. There are hormones flying around everywhere, with assumptions and uncertainties abounding. Whether their feelings make sense to you or not, you can guarantee that every new mother you know has at one time or another worried about a slew of the most bizarre but legitimate non-issues.
1. Their baby’s poop.
Never in the history of the universe have we cared so much about another person’s bodily fluid output as we do when we’ve got an infant. Is that poop supposed to look like mustard? What are those tiny black specs? Does my baby have a secret second butthole that’s responsible for eight blowouts in a single day? Oh God. I’m not cut out for this.
2. Their own poop.
Speaking of poop, one of the most terrifying aspects of the postpartum period is the eventuality of having to poop. Do we have to do it? Yes. Do we want to? Oh, hell no. Will all of our insides fall out of our butt? We’re pretty sure the answer is no, but there’s a first time for everything, isn’t there?
3. Baby lactation.
FUN FACT: It’s possible for newborn babies to lactate. We don’t just share a deep love and good genetics with our children; we share a veritable hurricane of hormones with them, too.
Holly Wainwright talks to Milli Hill, found of The Positive Birth Movement, on This Glorious Mess. Post continues after audio…
4. Every single houseware, personal possession, or object anywhere. Ever.
All mothers develop an innate sixth sense when it comes to baby-proofing a house: everybody knows that knives, pills, and electrical outlets are dangerous —that’s for rookies. But any mother with a toddler will scour your house at the macro-level until she’s cleared out every last thing you own, lest her baby slam head-first into it or put it in its mouth. Or both.
5. Squeezing their postpartum body into their pre-pregnancy jeans.
Girl, it took you nine months to grow that baby of yours. You made a person with your body. So cut yourself some slack, chill out, and enjoy all the yoga pants, sweat pants, or no pants you can.
6. Why their baby isn’t doing the thing that the other babies are doing.
Reference books and Almighty Google are helpful tools when your baby’s on track. But as soon as we start noticing that our friends’ kids are even remotely ahead of our own, we start trying to will them to succeed with our mind. Where are your teeth, baby? Why aren’t you walking yet? Will you be bald forever?