"I dropped off one child, and a completely different one arrived home."

I barely recognise her.

Cute, isn’t she? My gorgeous daughter who closely resembles the most beautiful curly-haired doll you’ve ever seen has been ripping into me big time.

She’s five-and-a-half, a new Kindergarten student and now apparently an expert on everything. Her specialty, however, has become, Stuff Mum Does Wrong.

Before you ask, there is no Stuff Mum Does Right list. She’s started school now so I assume there won’t be one of those until she’s at least twenty-two.

Caterina rattles off a few of these ‘complaints’ each day several minutes after arriving home and sometimes she remembers a couple more at bedtime which is really ideal because then I get to reflect on my shortcomings overnight. She has become a deranged little complaint monster and I have to admit, I’m getting pretty tired of it.

Here are 14 things my daughter has suddenly decided I do wrong now that she has started school. Isn't education wonderful?

1. I bought her the wrong lunchbox. She doesn't like Hello Kitty anymore and I should have realised this if I were a mind-reader, like Deanna's mum who bought Deanna a Disney Princess lunchbox.

2. I don't give her enough chores. I'm meant to give her chores all the time, not just GIVE her pocket money.

3. I don't pack her enough food, only 2 items instead of 3. She needs 3, not 2, because her friends have 3. Do I want her to waste away? Do I not LOVE HER?

4 . I don't give her extra lunch on lunch order days. See above.

5. I should always cook with her because she should be helping me. Children and their parents are meant to cook together. Why do I "cook without her all the time?!?"

6. She should know how to read and write already. Some of the other kids already know how to read and write except she doesn't because I suck. She didn't say 'suck', but I inserted it into the sentence due to the attitude with which she delivered it.

7. She should have her own room already. She's a big girl who shouldn't be sharing. Who cares if we can't afford a larger house. That's what magic wands are for.

8. We should have a house with stairs. Don't ask me why. But, stairs.

9. We should have travelled on a plane over the holidays. Then she could have drawn a picture of a plane like Anthony who sits on her table and drew one and she could only draw a car.

10. She should have a sister. (I've sent this one to God, because his fault).

11. I should let her make food on her own. She's a big girl and she should at least be allowed to make toast. "My friend makes toast every single day".

12. I should have let her get a dog by now. "Why do we only have a cat". (Insert photo of me blocking cat's ears).

13. I should let her wear nail polish at school. Why did I take it all off her before school? Other girls have nail polish. They must be allowed and I am wrong.

14. I should have curly hair like her because we are related and her friend has the same hair as her mother. I did point out we have the same colour hair but by then she was stomping down the hallway.

Talk to the hand mum, talk to the hand.

Has school ever morphed any of your children into deranged little complaint monsters like mine?

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