“I’m not sure how much more awkward this show can get after the first season,” I laughed as I sat down to watch the newest season of Channel 7’s real-life dating show, First Dates.
Turns out I was wrong, okay? I’m happy and willing to admit that much.
The show is back with a whole bunch of new daters ready to find love… in a fake restaurant surrounded by “discreet” cameras hidden in bushes and pot plants and stuff.
Before we go on, I need to write a very, VERY important disclaimer: there's a whole heap of awkwardness ahead.
You may or may not die a little inside. Just take note.
Okay, let's do this.
First up, we meet single mum Lisa. She seems normal enough.
She's a "hot single mum" and all she wants is a guy with a decent-sized penis, okay?
She specifically says "no little cocktail frankfurters, thanks very much" which, quite frankly (LOL) is something I've always wanted to type.
Rosie Waterland and Laura Brodnik discuss the very best parts of First Dates The Binge:
She's been matched with Ryan, an ex-army guy who says he's the "real life" James Bond.
Err, Ryan, I don't want to alarm you, but I don't think James Bond was in the army (*frantically Googles to make sure that's true*).
To prove it, he's posing like THIS:
They eat oysters because #sexy and start talking about how they have matching cats that are named Jinx and Minx and OMG SHUT UP ALREADY AND GET MARRIED.
(We mean the cats, the cats are my new favourite TV couple.)
Then... oh God, they are talking about nipples? Like, how big they are for some reason?
Ryan says the sentence every girl has always wanted a guy to say about their breasts - "They're nice. I sees them" - and I need to be rescued from the floor because I am just SWOONING at all of Ryan's charm.
Unsurprisingly, the pair have an undeniable sexual chemistry and agree to "hang out" (e.g. have lots of normal-sized nipple sex, we assume) after the show.
And just when you thought, 'Oh, that was a nice love story', along comes Shadi.
Shadi ("as in, Slim Shady" he tells us) describes himself as a "mummy's boy".
At 28, she still buys him underwear and still gets pocket money for doing his chores around the house.
Shadi says he's "all up for equality" and that he wouldn't be threatened by a girl who has a "banging job". I... I have no more words for that.
Shadi is meeting Natalie, a 27-year-old scientist who you can tell is really loving all of his one-liners and puns.
Shadi continues to flatter Natalie with stories about how she would be worth "a million camels" and asks the single most important question you can ask on a date: "Do you like chicken?"
Somehow, Shadi wins us over with a story about how he was married for 44 days in his early 20s, and after struggling with anxiety and depression, learned to express himself through the magic of comedy.
He wants to take Natalie on a second date... but she is literally the epitome of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and says they should be "friends".
At least they got to bond over this suspicious looking dessert:
Next up, 22-year-old Tonee wants someone else she can hang out with besides her mum (maybe she should meet Shadi?)
Tonee wants us to know that she's dated an Indian guy AND a bald guy, so yeah... she's really done it all, right?
She wants a man who is "a little bit dirty" and it's as if Cam the Barman is some sort of magical genie because in walks THIS GUY:
If there was anyone on Earth who epitomised the phrase "dirty 'mo" it would be Jake. He's a bass player and says words like "funk" and "groove" and honestly, we really hope we never get stuck talking to Jake in the corner of a house party.
Ugh, they went to primary school together. It's fate, you guys. It's just meant to be.
Move aside, Georgie and Lee because Tonee and Jake have the best fairytale love story of all time.
They talk a bit over dinner about things I can't remember and then they kiss and get married and have babies (probably).
One half of our last couple of the night is 26-year-old Roxy who has been on over 50 dates and has paid for EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.
Girl, no. That is just NOT ON and I want to give you a cuddle, ASAP.
She's the 'Bridget Jones of Australia' and her mum has even made her business cards to hand out to any eligible bachelors.
Brb, DYING. And also heading to the nearest Officeworks.
She meets up with Aarun, a male nurse who tells Roxy is Sri Lankan.
Oh, and also, he poses like THIS:
"I don't like Indian Food," Roxy replies.
Um, babe, they are... they are not the same thing.
Roxy tells Aarun the story of how she got a refund from EHarmony that one time because they only found her one match in the three months she was on the site, and he was in his 60s.
Aarun's face looks like this for their entire date:
At the end of their date (like every couple) Aarun is asked if he wants to see Roxy again and OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T REJECT HER WE CANNOT HANDLE IT.
Surprisingly, he's down for date number two.
Except... wait... what is happening?
Roxy says there was "no sexual chemistry" and it's official: we no longer believe in love.
Thankfully, Roxy will be back next week for another shot at love.
And so will we, but we definitely, DEFINITELY need more wine for the next batch of awkwardness.
Listen to the full episode of The Binge: