Going on blind dates is terrifying, but watching people go on them? That’s just delicious.
First Dates is the most cringe-worthy show on TV, which makes listing its awkward moments quite the task, but we gave it a red-hot go.
Watch the preview for episode 2 of First Dates here. Post continues after video.
Here are the top jaw-clenching moments from Episode 2:
1. Sean tells us how girls make him really nervous, which is awesome because he’s about to go on a date with Dee Dee, a woman who is practically a walking advertisement for Invisalign.
I’d go into epic detail about Dee Dee’s impeccable bone structure, glossy hair and flawless calve muscles but I’m too busy being blinded by her pearly whites. I’m excited for this date.
2. Sean is appropriately flabbergasted by Dee Dee’s radiance, and spends the first few minutes of the date pondering how her genes did the thing they did.
3. Stephanie says her best friend is a makeup sponge. I also do not know what to do with this information.
4. Oh look, a topless waiter has arrived.
His name is Jordan. Jordan the topless waiter has been seriously injured by a female ‘samurai sex toy’. Again, I do not know what to do with this information.
5. Stephanie (Makeup Sponge Befriender) has been in this bar for about 0.25 seconds and she’s already said the word ’trollop’ AND stolen a drink. I like Stephanie.
6. Sean tells Dee Dee she looks “more mature” than her age of 24, BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE HE LIKES OLDER WOMEN. All I want to do is leap into my TV screen and muzzle Sean while violently “shhhhhh”-ing him.
7. Donna actually says the line “Who wouldn’t want to date me? I mean look at me!” and clarifies she isn’t just a good kisser, but an “Exceptional kisser”. In her defence, the woman looks 52 and Fabulous with a capital ‘F’ in that lacey black number. So, yeah, she’s right… I’d probably date her.
8. Donna’s date Tony let’s us know that everything “still works” downstairs, and so obviously wants a lady “with a good libido”. HE AND DONNA ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER.
9. Guys, sex fiends Donna and Tony are having oysters and wine, two well known aphrodisiacs. It’s on. This is so happening.
10. Donna just did a little burp of drunken excitement. This is brilliant.
11. Makeup Sponge Befriender wants to know what fancy-upper-class-restaurant dish she is being served. Discovers it’s something really super dooper fancy called ‘le bread roll’.
12. You guys, Dee Dee only got into beauty pageants because she was desperate to do charity work. That is the single, only reason she did it. Apparently Dee Dee isn’t aware regular looking people can help the needy, too. Charity work is for beauty queen alumni only, okay? Okay.
13. Dee Dee and Sean start discussing other stuff but I can’t remember what because this happened:
14. Carpenter Chris rocks up for his date with Hayley in a cotton T-shirt, looking like he’s heading to the pub with the fellas for a few VB’s. Hayley, on the other hand, got the dress code memo and looks like she’s ready for the Melbourne Cup.
15. Meanwhile, Donna and Tony are enjoying a meal of orgasmic proportions. There’s lots of coy giggling, food munching, lip licking and wine drinking. The entire conversation literally consists of “Mmmmm” and “Ooooh” and “Aaaah”. Tony tells Donna he likes “bad girls”, and I don’t think I’m going to eat for a long time.
16. Shiny Teeth Beauty Queen Dee Dee tells Sean she doesn’t like talking about herself. I call bullshit. My dog calls bullshit. Sean is too busy telling her how pretty she is to call bullshit.
17. OH MY GOD – Butter-Hating Lauren from last week is BACK to hopefully devise more five-year plans and effectively terrify more men.
18. She’s on a date with Alan, a guy who specifically requested TWO ice cubes in his fancy drink. Perfect. Start picking out china patterns now, you two.
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19. Hayley and Chris are making plans to go to the local 24-hour pancake joint.
20. Donna keeps making orgasm noises. Tony doesn’t exactly feel upset about this.
BUT OK HOLD UP THERE’S A CURVEBALL: When asked “would you like to have a second date?” This is Donna’s exact response: “Um… I… Look, I think you’re a really lovely person… um, but I just, don’t think… you’re that… um, the person that I’m actually… um, looking for… but, um… you’re a lovely guy.”
And her face does this:
And that’s that, I guess. The two walk away from each other in the rain. I imagine Donna stumbled more than once on her way to the taxi rank.
21. Okay, so we’re back to the couples who are still dating, and are privy to a scintillating conversation between Lauren and Alan about the perils of the entrepreneurial world and the arduous task that is flying business class.
22. Sponge Befriender Stephanie tells Sean he has a haircut stereotypical of a Bon Jovi fan. Although I don’t really know what she means, I strangely agree with her.
23. I’m trying really hard to find something awkward about the date between Hayley and Chris, but they’re just really cute. Like characters in a 7-night rental RomCom you get from those Hoyts Kiosk machines that didn’t quite make it to the cinemas.
24. It’s decision time for flabbergasted Sean and his dream girl, Dee. Sean tells his perfect woman – STRAIGHT TO HER FACE – that he’s “gonna date her”… without really giving her any choice in the matter. Dee Dee thinks this is pretty funny and half-heartedly agrees to a second date before telling him to “whip it out” (she says she means whip out the phone… suuuuuuure, Dee Dee, suuuuure).
25. The Butter Despiser is annoyed that this is her second date in a row who eats butter. She pulls this face to show her disdain.
26. Hayley and Chris share a tiramisu, looking impossibly cute and lovely before deciding they want a second date. Obviously. They’re going to have so many cute Disney babies.
27. Lauren takes to the bathroom for an emergency ‘call a friend’, which I feel will be a necessary inclusion in every episode for the season. Describes old mate Alan as “someone I’d normally reject”.
Mamamia Confessions: My most embarassing date. Post continues after video.
28. Stephanie thinks she can make room in her heart from something other than makeup, and describes Jordan as boyfriend material.
29. OK so it’s decision time for Stephanie and Jordan. I love this part. They are sitting side-by-side waiting to reveal whether they think the other is hot or not, and look deliciously stiff.
Oh GOD. Stephanie refuses to answer if she wants to see Jordan again and palms off to him, who decides ‘probably not’ AND YOU CAN SEE STEPHANIE’S HEART BREAK AND I’M ON THE VERGE OF TEARS.
It’s ok, guys, Stephanie remembers she’s a total lady boss and does a kick-ass hair flip and then demands they go and sing Bon Jovi songs at karaoke anyway.
God I love Stephanie.
30. Alan The Butter Eater says he wants a tax copy of the receipt to claim as business expenses before leaning in really close and telling Lauren how “authentically” he likes her. Authentically.
She looks like she can smell his butter breath, but says she’ll see him one more time “even if it’s just as friends”. (I’m gonna give you a hint here, Alan: She’s just not that into you. Or your butter.)
What was your favourite moment from the episode?