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All the couples on First Dates are talking about feet, and we are so, so confused.

Guys, we’re here. We survived a whole week and it’s finally First Dates time once again.

DO YOU HAVE WINE?

Good. You’re going to need it.

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First up, we meet Jeremy. He’s 23 and runs his own building company, which makes him infinitely more accomplished than I ever was at the same age.

Oh, girls also think he’s “kind of a player”. That’s probably because you like to pose like this, Jeremy:

Jeremy is definitely NOT a player, you guys.

In all fairness, Jeremy seems like a top bloke who just wants a girl to be able to "chuck on a flanno and go camping" and probably boil up some billy tea to have with some damper. Or something.

His date is with 21-year-old preschool teacher Mackenzie, who admits, after NO PRODDING FROM THE PRODUCERS WHATSOEVER, that she can very much pitch her own tent.

Image via Channel 7.

Jeremy thinks Mackenzie is "just wow", and I instantly fall in love with her when she orders a "sav B" from Barman Cam. THIS is a girl I want to be friends with.

Then... horror strikes. Macca (I feel Jeremy would definitely appreciate that nickname) wants to talk about past relationships and keeps talking about how over her ex she is.

Babe, no. Saying "I'm so over him" is the reddest of flags. Stop.

Please tell me more about how you are over your ex...

Then she spills a glass of water all of him and she is NOT AT ALL SORRY about his wet pants and making him ask for a "pat down".

"Oops, but also totally not oops in the slightest".

The sexual chemistry is real but when asked if he wants a second date, Jeremy says he wants Macca to have more time "to be single" and says she is clearly not over her ex.

Ugh. Love is hard, kids.

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Next we meet Sharon, a 37-year-old executive assistant whose long-term boyfriend cheated on her with a 22-year-old blonde.

She found out via social media and I swear to God that if whoever dates her tonight breaks her heart I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.

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She wants someone normal, which makes me feel totally sick because a fake restaurant with cameras everywhere so your entire awkward date can be filmed does not seem like a place where true love can blossom.

She's matched with Tim. He's also 37. TICK. He wears glasses which means he is probably smart? That could work.

Aaannnnnd we have hit our first hurdle. Tim works for the AFL and Sharon is more of an NRL girl.

We're going down... brace for crash landing... wait, no. WAIT.

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Sharon reveals she is a volunteer zookeeper who once raised lions in Africa and HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS WAS AN ACTUAL THING?!

(*Googles ‘How to become seal trainer at Taronga Zoo without studying or doing any work whatsoever and just looking cute’*)

Tim is also into doing volunteer work and they are in love and it's so cute I might cry, but also — where is my dog? Because I need to hold her up into the sky and pretend she is Simba like Sharon did in Africa with the baby lions (probably).

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JUST LOOK AT THEM:

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No surprises here. They are getting married and joining a lion pride keen for a second date.

Our next.... wait, what do we call them? Dater? Contestant? Victim?

Anyway, our next person is Rosheen, who is set up with a guy named Roshan and it is awkward AF.

They can't figure out each other's names and keep re-introducing themselves. It hurts my ears.

MAKE. IT. STOP. PLZ.

(Special shoutout to Cam the Barman who has to listen to this entire confusing exchange and still keep a straight face.)

You are loved and appreciated Cam. Just want you to know.

The most exciting thing that happens on this date is Rosheen revealing she has no less than 12 brothers and sisters.

And... oh, wow, they want a second date. Okay, I did NOT see that one coming.

Rosh squared are in love and they don't care who knows it.

Thank God that date where literally NOTHING HAPPENED is over because ROXY IS BACK.

After brutally rejecting Aarun last week, Roxy is ready to hand out more of those "single and ready to mingle" business cards.

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NEVER. FORGET.

She's been matched with 25-year-old Brent, who is a podiatrist and Roxy could not be more excited if she tried.

FEET.

That... that's not even a joke. Roxy just talks about feet the entire date.

"What's the worst foot you've seen?" she asks, before talking endlessly about how much she wants a foot massage.

They continue talking about sexy feet, which must be some new kind of pick-up strategy I've never heard of because it works.

YOU GUYS. ROXY GOT A SECOND DATE.

Feet talk = sexy talk. Write that down. We've all learned a lot from Roxy tonight.

Because Channel 7 feels like we can handle MORE awkward first date banter (spoiler: we can't), we meet Geria.

Geria is a flight attendant... can you tell?

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She meets Dominic, a 27-year-old English chap who moved from London to Bondi because he wanted to have a unique Aussie experience and immerse himself in the local culture (probably) and he is literally every English tourist I have ever met in a bar ever.

"Allo guvna!"

His nickname is "Postman" because he "always delivers with the ladies".

Dominic wants Geria to know he's not arrogant, he's just confident. It's a fine line, Dom, it's a very fine line.

His first date technique is to literally just throw compliments her way, breaking it up with questions about the size of her feet.

(WHERE IS ROXY WHEN YOU NEED HER?!)

She looks super comfortable throughout the whole exchange:

And by comfortable, I mean NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE.

Then we're all treated to this delightful cutaway and MY EYES:

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HOW DID THIS GET HERE?!

Back at the date, surely there's NO WAY Geria will agree to see Dominic again.

Not even that sexual cucumber could convince her otherwise, right?

Oh, thank goodness, she says no. But... oh... oh... now she is saying yes?

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I'm just so confused. They're having a second date.

On the bright side, four of our five couples found love on tonight's show, so surely that counts for something?

...Right?!

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