Let’s take a moment and think of the worst thing that could happen on a first date with someone.
You could… forget their name? Talk about your weird drooling habit? Have your credit card declined?
Well, you’re in luck, my friends, because the latest episode of First Dates has delivered us a hat-trick of awkwardness.
Let. Us. Begin.
First we meet Ryan, a 29-year-old “IT salesman” — which I’m pretty sure just means he is one of those guys in the blue shirts at the Apple store.
Because he is a salesman, Ryan gives us a quick elevator pitch as to why he is your perfect man: "I'm 29 years old, I'm young, I'm fit, I'm single, I'm pretty good looking, I think I dress pretty well. I own my own house, I work for a great company, I earn a lot of money, I'd give myself a high nine out of 10."
Geez, Ryan, that wasn't short at all. Is this date over yet?
He also wants someone who is "laid-back and chilled" but also someone who likes to go out and party, and we're pretty sure Ryan doesn't realise he's literally described two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT types of people.
In walks 25-year-Claire, who is... holy gosh, you guys, she is a DOLPHIN TRAINER.
Be my friend, please Claire.
Ryan says he, too, is interested in marine biology because when he surfs he sees "the reef and shit".
Wow, this conversation is getting so deep. (Get it? Like an ocean? HA!)
Ryan seems embarrassed about his job at the Apple store which, to be honest, he should be, because did I mention that CLAIRE TRAINS DOLPHINS?
Their date is mostly comprised of giggling and making cute jokes about Mr. Big from Sex and the City and whether of not it's appropriate to have sex on a first date.
LOLZ, THIS IS SO FUN GUYZ.
Meanwhile, Cam the Barman looks like he is seriously regretting every choice he's ever made in life that led him to this very moment.
All of a sudden I am paying attention, because Ryan has a LABRADOODLE named Harry and he is showing Claire (i.e. us) pictures.
Claire is obviously won over by the thought of those sweet, sweet puppy snuggles (that's not a euphemism: puppy snuggles are THE BEST) and so she agrees on a second date with Ryan.
They kiss. It's love. Hooray. WHERE IS HARRY?!
To add to the excitement, we meet 32-year-old Stacey, who loves dancing and Beyoncé.
Who doesn't, Stace, WHO DOESN'T?!
She's been single for eight years and she is ready to meet someone whose clothes she "wants to rip off" and eh, a girl wants what she wants, right?
Her date David is 39, but he really wants us to know that he does not look or act 39.
It's very important, although I had no idea why. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Stace and Dave order the exact same thing for dinner - yes, even their steaks are cooked in the exact same way - and reveal they both broke off their engagements with their respective exes.
If this couple's future had a flavour it would definitely be vanilla. Just sayin'.
Things perk up when David asks Stacey about her "artistic side", which turns out to be code for him wanting to know how flexible she is and whether or not she can put her leg behind her head.
(For the record, no. No she cannot)
When push comes to shove, David says he didn't get "butterflies" during his date with Stacey, and because she didn't satisfy his minimum flexibility requirements, they have the MOST AWKWARD GOODBYE EVER.
Now, things get interesting.
Shadi (yes, as in, SLIM SHADY) is back.
His goal this time is to be "more genuine", and he proves he is 100 per cent serious by doing this:
His date is 26-year-old Milanka, who I fall in love with instantly because she does the BEST impression of her mum being sad that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Shadi sees Milanka. I can't be sure... but I think, I THINK, he likes her?
Again, don't quote me on that.
Meanwhile, Milanka's reaction to meeting and chatting to Shadi can be summed up in one picture:
Then, Shadi makes the BIGGEST MISTAKE you could ever make on a first date. He's... he's forgotten her name.
Even though it's only been FIVE MINUTES.
I'd ask someone to help Shadi, but I'm not sure he deserves it.
Milanka isn't putting up with any of Shadi's terrible jokes, telling him they are the reason he is still single.
Harsh, but fair. She digs the knife in further by rejecting him because "they are so alike they could be best friends".
Oh. Oh no.
For some reason, they decide to call Milanka's mum who clearly approves of Shadi, tells him she loves him and calls him "my son". Hey, maybe Shadi found a match after all?
It's time for a date where NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN, right?
Enter Daniel, a 28-year-old who works in the Air Force.
He thinks it's the "coolest job ever", which is awkward because he clearly hasn't met Claire and her dolphin mates.
Daniel wants us to know there is a "very, VERY good reason he doesn't have a girlfriend".
It's because he is gay, you guys. Spoilers.
His date is 23-year-old Jacob, who works in "sales and business development" which I think means he might be Ryan's boss at the Apple store.
Their date is pretty boring, if I'm being completely honest - they drink a lot of wine and smile a bit - but things get interesting when Daniel tries to sneakily pay by handing the waitress his credit card while Jacob is in the bathroom.
Things are going well, until Dan's card gets DECLINED and Jacob is forced to try and hide his embarrassment:
Daniel says he simply "forgot to transfer funds", which is the excuse I always use when my card gets declined when I try and buy a sneaky jar of Nutella at my local IGA early on a Sunday morning.
In case we didn't already figure out that things weren't looking great for Daniel, we see him getting hopeful about his date's outcome.
Of course, Jacob crushes his spirit by telling Daniel they would be "incompatible" and the would-be couple parts ways.
We all need to believe in true love again after that massive heartbreak, so we're introduced to 20-year-olds Grace and George.
OMG THEY ARE SO CUTE.
George is a sailor, who admits he gets a bit "awkward" when he is nervous.
Need proof?
In the space of three minutes he manages to tell Grace that: A) sometimes he drools when he eats, B) Crabs are his favourite animal, and C) JUST KIDDING, flamingos are actually his favourite.
Yeah, I'm confused too. But also, I kind of like George. He's... endearing.
He firmly cements his status in my eyes as "the sweet guy I wish had been around when I was 20" by saying that Grace "genuinely took his breath away" when he saw her.
When they're asked if they want a second date, Grace says no and I am genuinely crushed and think that obvoiusly 2016 can't get any worse, so I'm just going to go to sleep and hope that someone wakes me up on January 1.
That is, until Grace says it was all a TOTES JOKES and she'd love to see George again.
They kiss. They talk about sailing away together to the Greek islands.
LOVE IS REAL and I swear I'm not crying. I have something in my eye. Yes, it's a tear, okay?
The best news of all?
Grace and George lived happily ever after....
