I don’t think I know very much about sex. At least, according to pop culture, everything I think I know about sex is very, very wrong.
I’ve never been more acutely aware of my ignorance than while watching Fifty Shades Darker.
The things Ana and Christian do, and the way their intimate relationship plays out, looks nothing like anything I’ve ever encountered in my personal life. Some might say that’s a good thing, given that their relationship is a) fictional, b) kinda problematic, and c) awkward AF. But when I debriefed with other members of the Mamamia team about the
traumatic experience of watching the film, we all agreed there were some important takeaways, and we should be taking them very seriously, because it’s a movie, and movies are always full of important lessons.
Here are 18 things Fifty Shades Darker taught us about sex, in no particular order.
- You never, ever get thrush or a UTI from sex. That’s not a thing that ever happens. You also don’t have to get up to pee straight after intercourse, that would be silly, and also weird.
- When you’re in an intensely sexual relationship with your boyfriend, he puts $24,000 in your bank account. Just for, like, stuff.
- Women take their clothes off for sex. Men don’t. Obviously.
- The way to get a man to remove your clothing is to whisper, “I’m too dressed” in a sexy sex voice.
Four brave members of the Mamamia Team recap Fifty Shades Darker, on The Recap. (Post continues after audio).
- Putting a finger in a vagina is silent AND orgasmic.
- A Red Room of Pain is normal and you should ask your partner where theirs is.
- After sex, you look a little flushed, but other than that, perfectly fine.
- Removing your undies while eating dinner is a sexy thing to do. Do it on your next date.
- Having sex at your parents house is very risqué.
- No one ever has their period, or diarrhoea, or any other situation that would make you not feel like sex.
- After approximately nine seconds, you need to be warned (verbally) not to cum. Otherwise you will.
- Sometimes men want to have sex straight after a helicopter crash. And that’s okay.
- Vag beads. Use them. But first ask whether they're going in your butt. Because that's a logical assumption.
- It's handy to have a house keeper, what with all the oil and equipment in your sex dungeon.
- After 45 seconds of kissing BOOM... you're ready for penetration.
- Sometimes before sex, a man will propose.
- BDSM sex is just regular sex with some expensive looking leather involved.
- Speaking very quietly and in a monotone is incredibly arousing.
And that's just the lessons about sex. Fifty Shades Darker also teaches us a lot about relationships in general, like if someone hits on you at work, your partner will buy the business.
But I think the main thing we can all deduce from this cinematic masterpiece is that relationships aren't about talking, they're about sexing.
And literally all of us are doing it wrong.