I just have this innate fear when I’m alone with her.
I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just can’t shake it.
I had my first baby a week ago, a beautiful baby girl. I came home from hospital relatively quickly, having only been in hospital for one night after giving birth.
She’s been a breeze to look after so far but I just have this innate fear when I’m alone with her. My husband is a shift worker so he’s not home from much of the night and sleeps during the day.
We both come from large families and being our first, we have a lot of visitors over to give their blessings and congratulations. My mum is also very hands on and has been coming over daily to lend a hand.
But as soon as everyone finishes up their coffee and biscuits and heads home, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel incredibly lonely.
I even try to get them to stay longer if I can. I'll stall and tell them to wait until she wakes for a feed. I'll show them our wedding DVD and go on and on about the birth. Anything to stop them from leaving.
I know it sounds ridiculous. This should be the happiest time of my life. I should be cherishing these initial moments I have with my daughter. Which is why I can’t understand why I’m so nervous, shaky and unsettled. As soon as the front door of my house shuts and it's empty and silent, it's as though a wave of sadness washes over me.
I’m not sure what it is. It kind of feels like when I was a kid and you had your birthday party. All of your friends where over laughing and screaming and then they take the party out the door with them when they leave.
My friends and family come and then as soon as they leave the celebration and cheer is gone. I’m left alone with this baby that I’m trying to wrap my head around and figure out if I’m doing everything right.
I cried myself to sleep last night. It was just me and the baby in her cot and I tried to muddle my whimpers so she wouldn’t hear me and wake up.
I feel like a horrible person.
Why aren’t I happy? Why isn’t this the most joyous time of my life? Why is it that I just don’t want to be alone with her?
What would you do if you where in this situation? Did you feel the same way after you had your baby?
This writer is well-known to iVillage Australia but has requested we keep her identity private. If you have a dilemma that you would like advice about, please email [email protected] with Don’t Judge Me in the subject field. You will be contacted before publication, and your identity will be protected.
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