“OK, so what’s the worst thing you’ve ever said to yourself about your body?” our video producer, Vicki asked me, instructing me to look straight down the barrel of the camera.
Standing there in the most beautiful swimsuit I’ve ever worn – a navy one piece, cinched in at the waist with a lace-up detail on the bust – I knew the answer.
You’re disgusting. A pig. A fat pig.
Raise your hand if you can’t think of anything you’d like to do less than wearing a one-piece in front of your co-workers? Well, I did it.
It was on a Monday morning not unlike any other. I was minding my own business in the staff kitchen (by which I mean I was making toast) when my boss asked me if I’d like to be in a video we were filming with body positive swimwear brand, Swimwear Galore.
Before my brain had the chance to send a message to my mouth to ABORT MISSION, it blurted out ‘yeaaaaaaaaaah sure’ in that high pitched voice you do when you’re not entirely sure you believe what you’re saying.
Then, I must’ve passed out or something, because what felt like moments later I found myself in a one piece that I can’t entirely remember putting on (must’ve suppressed that memory) standing in front of multiple cameras with a bloody bright light shining on my bod.
I was putting on my ‘I’m so fine’ face but inside I was packing it. I felt hot, red, pale and clammy. I had all of the thoughts.
Will my thighs be in the shot? I thought my boobs looked better in this when I tried it on, or was I imagining that? Why didn’t I tan? WHY? Will my double chins show? Did I say I definitely don’t want my thighs in the shot?
But I pushed all of them aside because I was determined not to let the voices inside my head stop me from putting on a smile and dancing around pretending that I’m one hundred percent OK with how my body looks. I’m not, never have been. But boy, was I ready to put on a convincing performance.
???? Soz in advance for soppy post about self esteem etc ????A few weeks ago, my boss @miafreedman came across me minding my own business in the staff kitchen and asked if I’d like to chuck on some bathers and be in a video that’ll likely be seen by thousands of people. After the word ‘YES’ somehow came out of my mouth, I must’ve passed out because suddenly, I found myself in this lovely one piece from @swimweargalore with a big camera pointed at my bod. I have never felt more uncomfortable and vulnerable in my bloody life. But I did it, and no one died. If I said I’m now magically 100% comfy in my body and all that, I’d be lying. After all, this Boomerang is cropped above my thighs for a reason. But I love this little vid, and I look happy ☀️☀️ So cheers to @mamamiaaus and @miafreedman for pushing me out of my comfort zone ????????