It was the biggest f*cking thing I have ever seen.
Hairy. Eight long legs. Silent. Still.
Waiting. For. Me.
I don’t know what kind it was. I don’t really care. It was so big I could see its eyes.
I don’t use the word ‘hate’ much, but I hate spiders.
Especially ones that are waiting for me on the door handle.
From afar it would have looked like I had been electrocuted. I jumped back a mile. A girly scream may or may not have accompanied it.
I picked up what was left of my self-respect and called my boys. They needed to be aware of the dangers. This was to be a teaching experience.
They came running. The mixture of a loud thud, a high pitched cry from their dad followed by a very deep gravelly call out to come to me as I returned my voice to the manly pitch it should have been had their interest piqued.
I grabbed the nearest long implement from the laundry for protection.
“Stand back,” I said as I held out a shielding arm with one hand. A feather duster in the other.
“This thing could be dangerous.”
“Oh my god,” said Zak. “It’s huge!”
Max started moving towards it to get a closer look. I sprung forward, half tackling him away from the beast.
“Stay back! Stay back! Are you mad?” I exclaimed while pointing my feather duster menacingly at the poised arachnid.
He starts to laugh.
“There is nothing funny about this situation,” I state.
“Look how big this motherfu-” I stop myself in time. ”… this creature is. You must never touch something like this. Always call your mum – I mean an adult.”
“It’s not real”