real life

25 telltale signs you're a ridiculously fast walker.

If you’re a fast walker (also known as a power walker), there’s a good chance you already know it.

But if you want to have your suspicions confirmed, here are 25 tell tale signs you’re part of the club.

1. You are always walking 15 paces faster than your friends, partner or, um… children

*turns head* Oh hey guys, why are you three blocks away?

As a result of this, and the fact you don't enjoy holding conversations with your neck turned behind you, or resorting to dolly steps...

2. You've developed techniques to help your friends catch up to you

Like circling around and doubling back... before storming ahead again. Vicious cycle.

3. Shoes only last you four months because you're constantly destroying the soles of them

Oops. You're secretly hoping Normcore will catch on, because then you'll be able to wear runners 24/7.

22 problems only women with big feet understand

4. You break into a sweat on hot days because you basically walk a race on your way to work

5. You believe there's a special place in hell for people who walk 4, or 5, or 6 abreast in public places

Unless there is ample room on the footpath for safe overtaking, this is just not okay. You hold the Sex and the City girls personally responsible for making this behaviour look fun and glamorous and socially acceptable.

6. You've perfected the passive-aggressive "*ahem* excuse me..." in order to pass slow walkers

Or its more aggressive cousin, the "EX-CUUUSE ME!"

7. People who suddenly stop or slow down in the middle of the footpath are your sworn enemies

Likewise, people who don't abide by the footpath rules. Slow walkers on the outside, power walkers in the middle. Please and thank you.

8. When you're stuck behind a big group with no way of overtaking, you find yourself indignantly marching on the spot

You've actually fantasised about shoving slow walkers out of the way. Tour groups, that means you.

And then...

9. In your desperation to overtake footpath sloths, you've been forced onto the road

And into the path of oncoming traffic. See? Slow walkers are DANGEROUS.

10. The mere thought of a street festival makes you anxious

Ditto any big public event sure to draw a huge crowd. An entire street/field/suburb choked with slow walkers? Pass.

11. You never, ever trust Google Maps

What, is this map written by snails or something? You can get anywhere on foot in half the time they estimate.

12. Complete strangers tell you to 'slow down, love'

Sure, great advice. I'll slow down just long enough to dump this coffee on your head, then continue on my way.

13. You don't understand people who catch the bus for 1 or 2 stops

Really? Don't they realise they could walk that distance quite easily?

14. Or those types who casually stroll across pedestrian crossings

This is a time to hustle!

15. Or people who walk on the wrong side of the footpath

Walk like you drive, people. It's not that hard, and you're in my way.

16. Although you love him/her, you get frustrated by that one friend who can't seem to walk and talk simultaneously

You don't take the invitation "Let's go for a walk!" lightly. This is not a leisurely 'meander', lady. We are WALKING.

17. Even walking a dog is a source of immense frustration

Yes, you're adorable, and yes, this is fun. But do you really have to stop and sniff every single blade of grass/pole/other dog's bum we pass?


18. When you go from a walk to a run, the difference in speed is negligible

The 14 kinds of runners you see at the park

19. Your friends jokingly refer to you as Jane Saville

20. You know who Jane Saville is

Surely you remember this from Sydney 2000? (Image: Video still)

You can't help but admire a woman who has made a career out of walking fast.

21. You've been told you're "not enjoying the world around you" because of your speedy ways

Too right. You're too busy staring at the ground to anticipate cracks or obstacles - or looking ahead to navigate your way through the crowd in advance - to appreciate the scenery. This is called being efficient. Some people might like to try it sometime.

97 reasons why I'm not exercising right now

22. Your friends are secretly happy when you wear high heels

Because you're finally matching their (glacial) pace.

23. You always keep pace with the guide on walking tours

And curse the dawdlers under your breath. Don't they understand you have things to see here?

24. The chorus of 'Break My Stride' speaks to you on a deep spiritual level

"Nobody's gonna slooow me do-own, awh no, I've got to keep on mooo-viiiiiiin'..." This is your jam

25. Sometimes, you secretly wonder whether you're seeing the world through a slow-motion lens

Seriously... how do people move that slowly? How do they get anything done? How are they ever on time?

Power walkers - have we missed anything?

The one place where fast walking is not only much easier but socially acceptable? Walking tracks. Here are some of our favourites: