By LUCY GRANSBURY

Fascinators are stupidly expensive.

There. I’ve said it.

I have decided that I am NOT spending $80+ on a ridiculous non-hat to wear for a total of eight hours out of the 8,760 hours in this year.

There are some obvious solutions, like a) don’t wear one, b) borrow one, c) take your first-world problems and shove them up your racehorse’s ass. But I did something way more fun, to reflect my feelings about stupid fascinators, and to show off my Macgyver skills*.

Alex Perry would slap me silly. “Buy a hat, don’t make it yourself… If you’ve made your fascinator from Spotlight and it’s some stuff hanging off a comb, it’s not right, it really isn’t. And if you think that we don’t know, we do know.” Blah blah blah whinge whinge put sunnies on head etc

You know what, Al Pal? Shut it. Throw me a hunj (that’s a $100 note, guys) or shut it. My fascinators are WAY more fun and practical.**

So, ladies. You don’t have to pay a shit-tonne of money for a bunch of stiff curly hessian. You can make your own fascinator in 19 minutes, even at the office.

FOR FREE. (Or, at the office’s expense… ahem.)

First, I took some inspiration from Bec Judd and a manilla folder.

Nothing says high fashion like butterflies made out of post-its and bulldog clips.

Used all the office Post-its except one, on which I wrote ‘buy more Post-its’. #caring

What else is in the office? Ah. Tissues.

A friendly orchid. Actually, was holding it behind my back. Not convenient headwear. But either are most fascinators.

And if you happen to be at home, here is some I prepared in my living room. Apologies for the dodgy quality photos. The office had way better lighting. But let the authenticity and lack of photoshop wash over your eyeballs. Also… I’m not naked. Promise.

Magazine Fascinator. Ironically using a catalogue for racewear.

I call this one “Tissue Paper Scrumpled Into Heap”

“Probably should’ve cut that bit off.”

Loofah-scinator.

Jungle theme. Note to potential buyers: Bobby-pin concealment can be executed with more perfection than example. If you can be assed.

Paper plates. Also convenient if need to eat cereal. (Am never sure what angle to put them on, or just tilt head?).

Sandwich bag hat.Much affordable. Such fascinator. Very craft. Wow.

Cheapest of all – use own hair.

And if all else fails, copy Bec Judd again. Sure, her hat doesn’t have a plug and cord dangling off it. But it also doesn’t have a joystick, so who’s the silly one now?

Take that, Alex Perry. Keep your hunj and your fancy useless hats. I’m ready for the races. Also ready to play MarioKart, eat cereal, take a shower or blow my nose. Bet you can’t do that with YOUR hat.

*When I refer to my ‘Magyver skills’, I’m specifically talking about my ability to craft something out of things within reaching distance of me sitting on the couch in my pyjamas. From memory, Macgyver was equally as resourceful, but slightly more active.

**In case you were wondering, no I’m not serious. I am having a laugh. And probably going to the pub on Melbourne Cup day with an empty head… In more ways than one.

Here are some actual glamorous celebrities rocking this year’s ‘head trends’. NOTE: Cat ears. That is all. 

Bec Judd with Peter Pilotto from Share my closet and Jessica Gomes.

Rachael Finch wearing Dion Lee.

Bonnie Anderson getting ready.

Gai Waterhouse.

Lauren Brainiac.

Kate Pollard with Voice contestant Jackson Thomas and Block winner Chantelle Ford.

Emma Freedman wears a headpiece by Suzy O'Rourke.

Bianca Spender.

Rebecca Judd wearing Victoria Beckham.

Jo Hall wears Thurley.

Jo Hall's heapiece designed by Chantelle Ford.

Winner of The Block Fans vs. Faves Chantelle Ford, sporting her own designs.

Jessica Gomes and Montana Cox at the David Jones tent.

Former Big Brother housemate Ed Lower.

Jason Dundas.

Megan Gale and Miranda Kerr.

Montana Cox wears shimmering Dion Lee.

Jessica Gomes in Scanlan Theodore.

Rebecca Judd's stunning crown headpiece.

Kate Bollard via Instagram.