Mamamia recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: WE HAVE OUR FIRST ARGUMENT.

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We open on turkeys gobbling at Farmer Matt's maybe-wives, and this show really is bizarre.

Our first check-in is with Chelsea — whose connection with him is "beautiful so far" — before hopping over the Farmer Brenton's farm to see her twin sister (did you know there were twins this year?!), Rachel.

Who is missing her. Because they're twins, in case you didn't realise. But she's otherwise fine.

Meanwhile, Farmer Brenton has decided to take the ladies down to the pub for dinner, rather than attempt a six-person meal based on a TikTok recipe.

They cheers to chicken parmigiana, which might be the most Australian reality TV moment in history.

I stumbled upon the great Australian PARMI v PARMA debate while making this, and I am PLANTING MY FLAG.

Sarcastic Frankie is excited.

About the opportunity to ask DID HE AND SOPHIE KISS YESTERDAY Y/N?

Farmer Brenton looks like a deer in headlights.

But Sophie swoops in to be like 'yeah we did lol'. And Frankie is like... yeah cool that's fine.

I MEAN GOOD FOR THEM. MATURITY ETC.

But when is someone gonna get dramatic?

OH-

WAIT.

HERE WE GO.

Claire, who decided she wanted to leave, has not yet left.

Before we can learn too much, Channel 7 rudely try to make us care about Farmer Brad cooking meat AND tofu and debuting his... whole head.

But, EXCUSE US, how are we meant to focus on a steak dinner when a woman might walk off the show???

SAM ARMYTAGE HAS A PLAN.

She has producers have written a letter, inviting each farmer to choose two women for a double date before sending one of them home.

Everyone is feeling stressed about it especially because they haven't even eaten their chicken parmies yet???

Then Claire speaks up about how she wanted to leave earlier today.

But she is feeling better and wants to stay now, but a couple of Farmer Andrew's other maybe-wives are like 'that's pretty weird, eh'.

Interesting!

It's the next morning and everyone is doing country things like mowing the lawns, downward dog and questioning whether the women who signed up for a dating show want to... date.

Farmer Andrew's maybe-wives must catch lambs.

It's funny to see them wipe out, but it's even funnier to see the lambs held like human babies.

THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, WAVE EM LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE

On Farmer Brenton's farm, the women must weigh cows and cut poo off their tails.

Emily and Breanna avoid touching the poo tails and I applaud their efforts, but Farmer Brenton seems disappointed.

This show is wild

Meanwhile, Farmer Brad's maybe-wives are doing another miscellaneous cow-related task.

But producers have once again asked him to recount his past relationship trauma for our entertainment.

Breaking news!

On Farmer Matt's farm DISASTER HAS STRUCK.

A SHEEP HAS ESCAPED AND IS RUNNING FREE.

AND TELL ME WHY I AM ROOTING FOR IT.

LOOK AT HER GO

He recaptures the sheep — BOOOOOOOO!!! — and his maybe-wives all find it very hot.

Pick-up line Alice is struggling with knowing how to put herself out there when she can't say things like 'did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?' and 'I hope you know CPR, because you took my breath away'.

Because of this, she's hoping she doesn't get picked on the double date which she reckons would get her sent home.

Actually, it turns out no one really wants to go on this date.

Bit awkward! For a dating show!

????

Farmer Andrew chooses Claire and Kellie.

Farmer Brenton chooses Bre, Em and their poo-free hands.

Farmer Brad chooses Christina and Natasha.

Farmer David chooses... I s**t you not, Emma and Emily. 

And Farmer Matt chooses Madison and Alice, who instantly starts crying and calls her mum.

She doesn't want to risk being sent home, so she wants to... go home.

Farmer Matt tries to talk to him but she runs outside, upset about the situation but also about all the cameras filming the... TV show we are now all watching.

"I've never seen her like this before," the other women admit, and that's honestly wild considering they've known each other for two whole days.

Matt goes outside to console her, and Madison is frustrated that SHE didn't have an emotional breakdown for extra time.

Maybe next time!

On his date, Farmer Brenton, Emily and Breanna fish and then have one-on-one chats.

Emily tells him she's definitely willing to move, if she can bring her pets, but Breanna gets all giddy and flirty and oop.

I wonder who on earth he'll choose to stick around?

Elsewhere, Farmer Andrew, Claire and Kellie have a... very awkward three-way date.

Claire says she "100 per cent" wants to be there, despite not wanting to be there literally yesterday. 

Farmer Andrew says he's going to make this decision based on his feelings, which seems... like a really good idea! The right one, even!

Gotta love an emotional man

Farmer Brad's choice of date is to get Christina and Natasha to make lunch. Work smarter, not harder!

Farmer Matt, Alice and Madison kayak down a river of Alice's tears. And Madison is still salty.

And Farmer David and his Ems play tennis and visit a school, to... literally test how the women are around kids.

GOODNESS.

But one of the Ems is training to be a teacher, which gives her a big ol' advantage.

Non-teacher Em realises this, so pulls David aside and is like 'I'm going to lose this, so I'm just gonna... go'.

"I think that's the best decision for both of us," she says.

"...Yeah," David replies.

And just like that... she's gone.

Goodbye, Em or Em 

Farmer Brad makes his decision — in front of everyone! Brutal! — and he chooses to send Tash home. 

Meanwhile, Farmer Andrew's maybe-wife Lucie reckons Claire is better suited to her man than Kellie. And his other maybe-wife Maddison reckons Kellie is the better match.

And they both want the women they think he's more compatible with to stay????

It's the type of selflessness that truly only exists on this reality show.

They genuinely want the best for this man and I think that's beautiful??

But first, we quickly gotta say goodbye to Farmer Brenton's choice: ANOTHER WOMAN NAMED EM.

THERE ARE OBJECTIVELY TOO MANY EMS.

As someone trying to keep track off all these (mostly blonde) women, I have thank you

Plus, Alice brings back her pick-up lines and the power of them is simply too much for Farmer Matt to resist.

He sends Madison home, and she does not even cry.

OKAY.

IT'S TIME.

FOR FARMER ANDREW'S DECISION (and the drama).

He thinks Kellie is the logical choice, but he also just... really likes Claire.

He takes Kellie for a chat outside and Claire breaks down at the table. She says their date was going great, and Jessie asks... why she wanted to... go home then???

She says she was putting them above herself and asks if they would've done the same.

"Nah," they respond.

Maddison — you guys, I am trying so hard but WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME NAMES??? — asks Lucie and Jessie if they reckon that's a bit weird of Claire, actually.

She asks to be left out of it and Lucie tells her she can leave.

YIKES.

"Don't get nasty, it doesn't look good on you," Maddison replies.

And Lucie tells her she's so quick to roll her eyes at everyone but "you're just as annoying, if not more".

HOW THE HECK DID WE GET HERE?

Outside, with zero idea that his dinner table is currently the location of the season's biggest roast so far, Farmer Andrew is letting Kellie down gently.

They go inside so Kellie can say her goodbyes, and Lucie celebrates.

Claire tells Farmer Andrew he's like her ex-husband. But... better.

AND IDK IF THAT'S GOOD OR BAD???

HE'S AN EX???

But Farmer Andrew enjoys that a lot and goes in for the kiss.

Unaware that inside, two women are arguing about who is the most... annoying.

WHAT A BLOODY ROLLERCOASTER.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer and co-host of The Spill. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram. 

Catch up on our Farmer Wants A Wife recaps:

• Mamamia recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: The entire season is based around... twins??
• Mamamia recaps Farmer Wants A Wife: It's episode two and one woman already wants to leave.

Feature image: Channel 7.