This week on Farmer Wants a Wife, it’s the episode we’ve all been waiting for: the second elimination.
Last week, two more chicks left the show of their own volition, leaving ol’ Lancey boy with only two women remaining, while Jedd made out with Sam (awkward a-f) and Matt pashed on with litte Gaby.
“Farmer Lachie” aka Lachlan from Married at First Sight was the other farmer to lose a woman in Jessica, who was kind of like, “Yeah, nah”.
Host Sam McClymont informs us that the road to love is filled with tough decisions while wearing an odd pants and floaty dress ensemble. It’s most distracting but gives you something to focus on if you can’t stand platitudes about love.
As the sun rises over farms Australia-wide, sheep contemplate the big decisions our farmers must make today. Chickens are beside themselves. Cows beg for a reprieve from the abattoir that they may discover the outcome of today’s episode.
Everyone is moping about rural idylls pensively. Farmers scratch their heads and consult faithful hounds, women-trying-to-be-farmers-wives weigh up the competition over cups of tea. This is riveting TV.
April, a “brand ambassador” (I don’t know what this means but it requires you look hot), reckons she now can’t imagine living anywhere but Matt’s Pilbara farm after being there for some few days. Student Amelia and Matt have “intellectual conversations” (debatable) BUT he made out with little logistics coordinator Gaby; she’s the only one in possession of his mouth bacteria.
Matt puts the girls to work to try and figure out which one will prove
the most valuable farmhand a love match. April’s an asset in terms of rocking denim cut-offs and play-wrestling her boobs into his hands, but Gaby’s actually working.
Every time Matt talks about the fact that he and Gaby kissed, he grins goofily, stares at the ground, and turns red, just like my teenage cousin when we tease him about fancying chicks. It’s pretty cute, actually.
Oh my god. Do I want to marry a farmer?!
False alarm. Lance always brings me back down to earth.
Lance’s story has proven so tragic thus far that mournful music plays as we zoom in on his Rockhampton farm. Last week his favourite Karen left because her heart wasn’t in it; Lorraine opted out before she even got there.
Watch Lance telling the other women about Karen leaving. Post continues after video…
He breaks the news of Karen’s demise to his two remaining women, paralegal Lisa (my pick from the VERY BEGINNING) and domestic engineer Susie, who react in an unexpected way. If the prize of this game is handsy cowboy Lance, why are they both crying now that their chances just got a whole lot better?
Knowing that the way to a woman’s heart isn’t kindness, loyalty, or humour, he woos Suse and Lise with a big ol’ shopping spree in a place called Mavericks, which specialises in redneck glamour.
Next, he takes his decked out cowgirls to yet another rodeo on a date, which is just… Mix it up a little, man. Oh, but as Lance tells the ladies, this isn’t any old rodeo, it’s “one of the best indoor rodeo venues in western Queensland”.
At “Country Cutie” Adam’s Gippsland farm, Hayley is still feeling extremely put out by Taryn, whose sense of humour she finds inane and predictable (I’m projecting here) and who scored a date with the CC while she, Hayley, has not, a fact that makes her eyes fill with tears.
Things just got a whole lot more annoying for her because he’s elected to take Taryn for some one-on-one time AGAIN.
As they sit in a ute while it rains outside, she meaningfully rubs her hands together and complains of the cold, but the CC doesn’t take a hint. In fact, he’s the only farmer who hasn’t busted a move on any of his ladies, which could indicate shyness, frigidity, or a completely normal reluctance to pash in front of a camera crew.
Instead, he suggests they put out the hay bales they’re carrying and head back to the house to warm up. “He could have just held them, or something!” Taryn complains of her poor, frostbitten hands.
That night, Hayley finally gets what she’s been craving — a date on some hay bales. The CC is extremely chuffed with himself for strewing them with fairy lights and flowers, and believes himself to be a supreme gentleman.
“I don’t think anyone’s ever done something like that for her before,” he says proudly, before presenting her with strawberries and chocolate, about which admittedly Hayley is most effusive.
“A few strawberries and a bit of chocolate and girls seem to like that kind of stuff, and yeah, she was definitely impressed,” he says. Note to other dudes: this is completely true.
Then, just as things are getting really romantic, he suggests they go back to the house to warm up — this is his go-to to get out of pashing.
I bet the CC is one of those guys who asks if he can kiss you before he kisses you, taking all the anticipation out of the moment.
Over in Tumby Bay, South Australia, all Julz’s women received the memo about wearing puffer vests and/or flannies, but only one of them is proving a legit romantic interest.
He and Alex are decidedly in the friend-zone and the Liberal is proving incompatible, leaving Mel (who incidentally wore BOTH a flannie and a puffer vest — a sign?) as the only option.
He and Mel head out to a little cabin to drink woine and talk feelings. He grills her a sausage sandwich and didn’t even forget the tom sauce.
Julz eventually goes in for a kiss (ugh god, it’s so loud) with a determination that the CC could really take some inspiration from.
He declares it a “tip top sort of a night”.
Lachlan (I refuse to call him Farmer Lachie just because Channel Nine is trying to rebrand him) lost Jessica on last week’s episode, so he won’t be sending anyone home this week.
He believes the two remaining women, naturopath Belinda and provisional psychologist Kelly, “both have the potential to be my woife”. Huh, how about that? Anyone would think this show is called Farmer Wants to Continue Life In Same Fashion as Previous Years Without Wife.
Watch Belinda profess her feelings for Lachlan. Post continues after video…
He sets up a date for himself and Kelly — a day spa on the verandah — where they awkwardly discuss their sad sack lonely lives while clad in white robes as the beauty therapists eavesdrop.
“We’re both in our 30s. We’re not teenagers fighting over some schoolboy,” says Belinda. No, this is much less mature than that.
Ah, and now we come to Coffin Bay dweller Jedd, who’s teaching his crew how to shuck oysters. He’s trying to find someone who has the “trace elements, so to speak, that are going to lead to a positive union”.
This is how he actually speaks, all the time.
He decides to take legal secretary Nicole for a walk to figure out who she is. I honestly don’t recall ever having seen her face in the interminable weeks I’ve been watching this show.
This guy is the king of small talk. “Does the thought of being pregnant scare you? It scares me! But I don’t have a uterus.”
Next day, all the women have to pack their suitcases in anticipation of being eliminated. There will be tears, my friends.
Adam the Country Cutie is the first to give one of his women the kiss off, if you will, only not literally, because he’s saving his lips for The One. He finally eliminates Christine, which we could’ve seen coming. This chick has had no airtime.
Julz farewells Megan the Liberal with a heavy heart. Their mutual love of shooting living creatures wasn’t enough to keep her in the game.
Megan thinks love is still out there for her; I concur. I know there’s a boat-shoe wearing, gun-loving, God-fearing Young Liberal out there just waiting for a gal like her.
Over in the depths of Coffin Bay, Jedd the oyster farmer/amateur poet is waxing lyrical about how the women have aided him in “self-growth”, and not just in the pants region.
He rejects poor Nicole, who I can’t say will be missed because I didn’t notice her existence. Good luck to you, Nicole!
Blushing Matt is last. He was initially attracted to Amelia from her application; April looks like Megan Fox; and he made out with Gaby — who will it be!?
AMELIA! He feels that they’re not compatible. He cries; she cries; they all cry.
Lance and Lachie had the decision made for them so they don’t have to flex their dumping powers this week. No one abandoned Lance this episode, but there is still plenty of time for them to make their escape.
Same time next week for more rejection? It’s a date!