We’re getting right into the pointy end of the competition here — and that is not a euphemism.
This week, cruelly, the farmers get to go on 24-hour date somewhere luxurious, with rope swings and drinks in coconuts — but with only one of their harem, which have already been much reduced to just two.
As Sam McClymont reliably informs us, the farmers are preparing themselves for their most “romeeeeeeeentic dates” yet.
Here’s how I see it going down: farmers will either take the woman they’ve decided on for this one last hurrah, OR, they’ll take the woman they’re not going to choose in order to get a little extra lovin’. Cynical? Me?
At Country Cutie Adam’s (aka the pash-denier), blonde Haley and brunette Taryn are sitting eating breakfast together in a frosty silence. He thinks he should probably get to know them in case one of them is his future wife. Good plan, CC.
He asks Taryn to join him on today’s one-on-one 24-hour date, which causes Haley to make a face she’s been making a lot recently. It’s kind of expressionless except her eyes are screaming.
Taryn is hopeful the CC will finally give up the lips this date, but she really shouldn’t pressure him. Kissing is a gateway drug.
Down in South Australia, all-round good bloke Julz has asked Alex to be his 24-hour lover, and Melanie is pissed. She physically moves away from Julz so he can’t kiss her cheek goodbye, while Alex really rubs it in. “Sucks to be you! Have fun in your pyjamas,” she taunts.
Shellfish procurer Jedd emerges from Coffin Bay to take Samantha, who makes him feel things deep in his pants, on his last date.
Ol’ unlucky in love Lancey has chosen Lisa as his date, and Matt has chosen the raven-haired “brand ambassador” April.
Meanwhile, “Farmer Lachie” (aka Lachlan the TV love guy) is having one of those patented Farmer Wants a Wife moments in which he contemplates life while leaning over a rustic wooden fence.
Watch a promo for this week’s episode. Post continues after video…
He and Kelly had a disagreement last night about chocolate (to refrigerate or not to refrigerate?) and they’re now concerned they’re not compatible.
OK that was a lie — I don’t know what they disagreed about, but he accused her of “attacking” him, and she very reasonably explained she didn’t.
“It’s just difficult forming a relationship because I’ve had my heart broken before,” he tells the camera. Do you know what else can be broken? A goddamn record. Jeez. Switch tunes, man.
Woah, this is unexpected. Lachlan decides not to do the 24-hour date and send both women home. “It’s been a rollercoaster ride!” says Kelly, and they both fake-laugh.
While Lance and Lisa (my couple prediction from the very beginning — they even kind of look like each other) are enjoying tropical blue waters of Far North Queensland, poor reject Susie is literally shovelling shit.
Here follows a terrible montage of her being quirky — dancing with a shovel, talking to a clearly-disinterested cockatoo — complete with “zany” music.
Lance and Lisa set sail on a gorgeous yacht with a picnic and unusually for him, there’s no sexual innuendo or handsiness. She compliments him for a surprisingly perfect date.
“It made me feel pretty special,” he tells us. Am I coming around to Lonesome Cowboy Lance?
Here’s a nickname that’s probably been used throughout the whole show, only I apparently didn’t notice it. Joining Country Cutie Adam is Helicopter Hottie Matt.
HH is in the Pilbara with April at yet another watering hole. Unlike CC, he has no compunction about getting touchy with the ladies. I think he’s gone for the latter of the two options I set out above.
Little Gaby has decided to prove her worth to Matt by spending the whole day at work, like a tiny little janitor.
After romantic and sexy tattoo-and-boobies-showcasing swimming, the couple settle into sleeping bags right out in the open which is not only unromantic, it’s terrifying. What lurks in the wilds of WA at night? Calling it: worst date ever.
April thinks it’s “unreal” but I’d like to see how she feels when she wakes up with a snake in her sleeping bag.
Next morning, she’s still pretending like sleeping outside is fun. She’s now convinced he’s “150 per cent the one”.
They keep stroking each other’s arm and playing with each other’s hair. Gaby could be in trouble here.
Tumby Bay Hunk-a-saurus (I made that one up) Julz has taken smug Alex to a waterfront restaurant.
“I don’t want to sound like a bit of a foodie here, but it’s got some awesome flavours going on,” he opines. Stay tuned for his new food review column Eatin’ Stuff with Julz.
Next, he takes her to a “beach shack” which Alex finds super romantic but kind of looks like an RSL.
Adam the kiss virgin has taken Taryn to some natural hot springs, which makes her feel “like a little princess!” She’s also hopeful the hot springs will trigger some hotness in Adam’s loins (I apologise for using the word loins. It’s an upsetting word).
The Victorian dairy farmer’s reticence with the physical side of things is even now being commented by McClymont, who previously has never faulted her Country Cutie.
“I was a bit nervous about seeing Taryn for the first time without a lot of clothes on,” he tells us.
Oh god… he sort of looks like he’s going in for a kiss. And then she sort of takes matters into her own hands. But then he kind of looks away and makes this groaning noise. Oh, that was so painful. I feel for these two. We need to introduce some alcohol to this situation.
Taryn just gets straight to it. “So, when would you usually kiss on a date, Adam?”
He prudishly tells her not on the first date and turns on the jets to “cool things down a little bit”. Oh yeah, because stuff was getting sexy.
“It just wasn’t the right place right time for me,” he says to camera later. Taryn can’t do anything except rub her forehead and laugh disbelievingly.
Now he clearly thinks she’s a total kiss-hungry hussy!
Poet/oyster farmer Jedd and Samantha get a couples massage but once again, Greg the dog steals the show. Someone give that pup a contract!
Still in their robes, they drink Champagne and do some serious talking. I feel truly that ths must be a script written by an intern because no one actually talks like this. She “can see he’s got a lot of love to give” and feels he’s “ready to love again”, he agrees that he’s ready “to trust again”. There’s “electricity” between them. She’s “got like, so much love to give”. She’s ready for this, you guys.
They make out in a way that does not look like Hollywood movies.
“We moved in the general direction together and experienced a vulnerable moment together… It was everything I hoped that it would be and more than I dreamed,” Jedd says, making a note to scribble the lines in his poetry diary.
Then comes his greatest moment. “Pandora’s box is open now. So I might just embrace the box.” You should, Jedd. Chicks dig that.
Back to Adam and Taryn and I’m sorry but I think this is flogging a dead horse. The awkwardness of the failed kiss is just too much to overcome.
They decide to have dinner and… talk some more. “The sexual tension was crazy,” she blatantly lies.
Oh, and finally — Taryn just moves in and lays one on him after he explains that sometimes women have to “beat him over the head” before he gets the message. There could be some tricky consent issues if Taryn had employed that method, so fortunately she’s just robbed him of his lip-ginity instead.
She uses a LOT of tongue, which could scare off someone new to this game.
Now all the couples head home to the poor rejects left at the farm who are understandably miffed. Hilariously, Susie is reading a copy of Gone Girl as she awaits the return of Lance and Lisa.
She’s curiously not too impressed to hear about their cruise, their paddle-boarding, their champagne and cheese platter.
Adam, looking like a changed man, arrives home to Haley with kiss-whore Taryn. “I don’t want it to feel like a competition,” says Taryn, of the competition dating show that has women competing for farmers no one else has taken a fancy to.
Adam takes Haley out on a date in the evening. What’s the bet he tries to kiss her, now that he knows how? He’s even booked a “private table” at a restaurant! Wow, he’s gone all out.
“She’s just a positive, happy, easygoing person,” Adam says of his feelings for Haley. I feel he’s been deceived and Haley’s a big ol’ ball of crazy (we ALL are, ain’t no shame).
Over in South Australia at accidental gourmand Julz’s, Melanie is waiting with plenty of sarcasm to spare. She melts somewhat when Julz asks her for a date that evening, but plays it cool. “I’ll have to check my schedule,” she informs him.
“Whatever he’s got planned for you tonight is still not going to top what we just did,” Alex tells Melanie. MEAN!
Fortunately for Melanie, Julz isn’t into Alex. Before their date, he tells us he was thinking of Melanie the whole time he and Alex were on their 24-hour date.
Then, on the date, he basically expresses as much emotion as he is capable of doing. “The first time I properly saw you, you caught my eye fairly well,” he says. “I can’t get ya outta me head at the minute.”
He basically tells her he’s choosing her, which will surely ensure Melanie’s future conversations with Alex are laced with smugness.
Back to NSW farmer Lachlan, who dismissed both his ladies early. He’s decided that actually, he does have feelings for one of them, and travels many kilometres to tell her. Spoiler: it’s definitely Belinda — that chocolate disagreement or whatever it was earlier was Kelly’s death knell.
Lachie’s the kind of bloke who thinks a bunch of flowers from Woolies is all it takes to sweep a lady off her feet*
Helicopter Hottie Matt takes Gaby on yet another outdoor date, likely due to his property’s isolation and the dearth of restaurants in the Pilbara outback.
She immediately puts him on notice. She’s not happy he took April on the 24-hour date, and Matt makes excuses about giving April equal opportunity to connect with him.
I have an idea for these three: polyamory.
Join me next week to see if they all decide upon this frankly super-practical solution.
*He’s not necessarily wrong.