Ten things WAGs of fantasy footballers know to be true.

With finals coming up over the next fortnight, prepare yourselves.

I am a FFWAG. Not a girlfriend of a footballer. A girlfriend of a fantasy footballer. And I know I’m not alone.

For those who aren’t familiar, fantasy football is not a sexual thing (actually, scratch that. For some of these guys, it probably is). It’s a competition based on the AFL games. Participants select players from the league to make up their own teams, and every kick, tackle, and mark a player makes during a game counts towards the participants team score.

You got that? Not really? Same.

Ultimate Footy, Supercoach, AFL fantasy – it has been estimated that over a million Aussies are involved with a fantasy football league of some kind, 90% of which are men (no shit, Sherlock. Any women with a fantasy football team reading this: May you DOMINATE AND WIN THE FLAG).

And with a million men fantasising over fantasy football teams, comes a million wives and girlfriends asking them to put their f*cking phones down for five minutes and have a human conversation, ploise.

Lucille knows.

I am all for the leagues. My man is particularly involved, being that he is the ‘Commissioner’ of his league, which mean that he organises the events for his twenty mates who each have their own players picked. They all meet regularly to have pillow fights in their underwear and hold hands and talk about boys.

Or something.

Maybe not the pillow fights, but they definitely talk about boys (or ‘players’. Whatevs).

But despite the benefits of men being on teams, there are a few drawbacks with such a heavy competition. With the help of some other FFWAGS, here is:

Ten things you need to remember if your SO has an imaginary football team.

1. It is not a ‘game’, it’s a business.

And he is not ‘cute’ or ‘nerdy’ for playing it. He is a very rugged coach/captain/head cheerleader, ALRIGHT?

2. Thursday nights are VERY IMPORTANT for some reason to do with something or other.

Something happens on Thursday nights to do with the AFL announcing the line-up for the weekend. For about two minutes, there is to be no talking. Only thinking, pressing buttons on phones, and muttering words like ‘Fyfe is out’, ‘Sloane is vice-captain’, etc.

Kris Jenner. Probs not talking about fantasy football.

3. He will need his phone. 

Apps of live-statistics, scores from the AFL, Twitter feeds from the clubs, smack talk from his league – you’re phone will get jealous from inattention. A friend of mine told me a story: “We were driving through the most stunning national park one weekend, but it didn’t have good phone reception. Liam was hating on life and speeding up hills to the highest point so he could get phone service, while making me continually press refresh on a trade he was trying to make, while the match was blaring on the radio… No enjoying the tranquility for us!” Classic.


4. You can try to understand the rules, but you will never understand the rules.

I know that a kick is three points. I know how many forwards are in a team. I know how trades work and what a good score is. But I will never, never fully understand – because there are more rules in fantasy football than there are in a German convent.


5. Every single game of football is important.

He may have a favourite actual AFL team, but that doesn’t matter. Every touch of the football in every game matters to his score. There are nine games a weekend. Approx two hours a game. You do the math.

6. He wants you to show an interest, but not too much interest.

Have you watched The League? If you are better at coaching his team than he is, he will not like it. Just ask Jenny.

7. He may create you a team ‘for fun’.

But really, it’s so he can have control of two teams.

8. If a player gets injured, it may be cause for celebration.

There’s no empathy in fantasy football. If a player on someone else’s team blows his ACL, this could be the BEST NEWS EVER.

9. He may actually win money.

But if he does, it will probably go back into the team somehow. Unless he wins a lot (there is over a million dollars worth of prizes in the league), in which case he may attempt to use his winnings to coax his AFL players into playing as an actual team just once, so his fantasy can play out live in front of him.

10. When the season is over, he will stop thinking about it.

JK. He’s already planned his team for next year. There is no off-season. And prepare for a shit storm on draft day.

I do, though.

I see a lot of benefits in men being in the league. Mostly, he has a close circle of mates who look out for each other (unless their teams are playing against each other that weekend, in which case, they smack talk and put each other down. Oh, boys).

It encourages good friendships, good ambition, and good fun. Unless they are losing. And then good luck…

Best of luck to all the fantasy coaches and dream teams for the finals over the next two weeks. May your players be healthy, your tackles be low and your scores be high. You gotta have a dream, right?