The words that changed everything I thought. About everything.
I never heard that ticking clock, until now.
“Your husband is borderline. It doesn’t mean we know anything for sure. It just means we have to investigate a little further.”
I’ll be really honest here. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted kids of my own.
But it was in that very moment that I first heard it.
People said it would start one day, but truthfully, I started to believe that, for me, the biological clock might just be permanently switched off.
But the minute I heard those words from my doctor, it started.
I was I never the little girl that used to daydream about babies. Sure, I had dolls that I loved and cared for as if they were real babies. But I remember saying when I was as young as 12 years old that falling pregnant wasn’t something I wished for.
I always said I would adopt if I did decide I wanted kids. And people’s response was always the same.
“Don’t worry, that baby clock will soon start ticking.”
But it didn’t. Birthday after birthday. No tick.
It’s not that I don’t like kids or babies. I am the first to coo over a pair of chubby cheeks. I was the best babysitter (modest, I know). I love holding babies. I love spoiling my sibling’s kids and I am the first to sit down to drawing and playing kid-games with my friends’ kids.
But not once did I ever look at a chubby baby and think, “I want one of those”.
Until my doctor came back with the results of my husband’s blood test.
Without lecturing you on third-year genetic chemistry, the deal is I have a dormant genetic disorder. Which is fine. It just hangs out inside me, making everything look weird and having doctors freak out until they know what it is. But that’s about it.
As long as my husband doesn’t have it. Because in the extremely rare case that he has it too, then we can’t have children.
And by can’t, I mean can’t. We're talking miscarriages. Still births. And if we would be able to beat the DNA and give birth, the baby wouldn’t be healthy. They would barely live. They wouldn’t blow out the candles on their 5th birthday cake.